Exhale...Forgive...Exhale

I woke up this morning maybe not 100% ready for the work week, but then again it IS a short week after all isn't it? And my calendar IS pretty much empty isn't it? How rare is that? It will be a light week to be sure. But first I must move through the emotional "heaviness" and baggage of this past weekend. I was ready to move on. And fortunately for me I came across a video that helped me do just that.  It was a simple video that focused on raising one's vibration over action. And while listening to that video I actually settled back, closed my eyes, and relaxed. And got myself in state. As in I was in alpha or theta and I started to mentally forgive everything. Starting with the events of the past weekend. And all the other events that had bubbled to the surface and came to my attention because they all had negative vibrations. And when I forgave, I let them go. And gave myself permission for different outcomes and different emotions. And slowly I could feel my vibration rise. And then I remembered the whole narcissist stuff too. It's not like I am giving power to Lisa's negative reactions, more like giving power for me to let that stuff go by as if I'm sitting on a surfboard, letting a might wave simply pass me by. Because I can let it do so. And while I remain calm. And I remain safe. And I remain at peace. Totally made my morning. And when I went outside to start my morning "walk", it was nice and sunny. Still a bit cold, but as long as it wasn't raining, I didn't care. I was curious to see how I'd be able to pull my usual 100+ active minutes since I had a hard time even cracking 70 with the new Fitbit during the last part of last week. And it felt like I worked harder too. This morning though, it seemed easy. I got to the usual 5000 steps well before 9:30 AM. And since it actually gave me credit for 2 minutes instead of 1 every time my HR cranked past 125 bpm, I was well over 40 active minutes. Maybe it won't be as hard as I thought. And to cut this part of the story short, I finished the evening at 11,000+ steps AND 122 active minutes! This is the last Monday of 2021. So I assured myself of keeping up that particularly streak at least through this week. YES!

VERY EASILY the best part of today though, was that Lisa called. She was already on the way to San Diego as she and Johnnie are spending the next couple of days at Hotel del Coronado with Feifei and her kids. It is GREAT that Johnnie gets to spend some time with his biological brothers. It more than makes up for he and I not seeing each other on Christmas Day.  It was already raining. Yes, raining. Never mind the nice of picture of my street from this morning. The sun didn't last through the afternoon. So Lisa gushed with probably the biggest apology I've ever hear her utter, at least to me.  It was more than enough. All I wanted was that she acknowledged that she messed up, that she owned it and apologized for it. Of course I forgave her. I already did from this morning's meditation. And we were able to have a conversation. I know she was remorseful. Which is hard for her to do. I mean  if you cared for someone for real, you would be feel that kind of remorse. And so I was satisfied that she got there.  Talking to her even for just about 10 minutes or so felt light and positive and afterwards I may have been half amazed at how great the exercise from this morning turned out. It really is all about raising your own vibration. It really is all about TRUSTING THE UNIVERSE and KNOWING WITHOUT A DOUBT THAT YOU ARE SAFE and that everything you might even feel like worrying about, is already taken care of.  How cool is that! I spent the rest of the evening basically just chillin'. I mean usually I'd pick up Johnnie. But this is also a good opportunity to reset for the end of the year. For me.  And I have the next couple of days to do just that...

Self Hypnosis Sessions

About money: I had an impromptu self hypnosis session this morning courtesy of Marisa Peer on a MindValley youtube video. It was about money blocks and how to remove them. And so I half-did the exercise while doing Candy Crush. And I still managed to go to alpha and bring myself back to the time when I was a kid and I saw a scene with my dad making a bet on horse races. And I had a perception my dad was a gambler. Could that be why I have this fear of losing money? And then I went to a scene where I was asking for a Christmas present from an aunt in America. I wanted an electric car. I didn't get one of course and maybe there were some emotions related to that too. Both scenes contributing  to present-day abundance and money blocks. And so I gave myself an auto-suggestion. Hey I was just a kid. I didn't know any better. And now I don't have to have those beliefs anymore. Because I do know better.  I can be/do/have anything I want. I already deserve it and all I have to do is allow myself the experience. I don't need to ask for permission, I just have to GIVE myself permission. And that part of me that is fearful that something bad will happen? I just have to remind that part of me that I can simply CHOOSE to have nothing bad happen. And for everything to happen easily. And that I give myself permission for that too.

About Johnnie: The thing was that all these things I had picked up inadvertently as a kid I now have to apply because now I'M the one saying these things to Johnnie. Last night he didn't get the ice cream that he wanted and he threw a little fit and then punched and kicked me. That behavior rattled me. Is this how people learn to become violent? I did lay down the boundary that this was unacceptable behavior. And at the same time I now realize I also have to provide him with an outlet to express his feelings. Without shouting, without yelling, without hitting, without bullying. I simply needed to ask him what he was feeling and then talk them through with him. I also realize he has a ton of energy and I need to make sure he has an outlet for THAT as well.

Finally End of The Week

Today should have been a tank day and I will say I most definitely have earned it. I haven't work this hard in a one week period since I can remember! Yet I can't tank it just yet, not first thing. That's because that project from Coleman and Associates is having its all-day learning thing today, with attendance requested from managers that are the "levers" of the organization, those with decision-making capabilities and influence, a group I most definitely am a part of, I did not have the usual enthusiasm that I normally would have for a project like this. Maybe it's because of all the work this week but I just am not into it today. In fact, I don't mind saying that I feel inconvenienced. Just get it going already, I already know my role, I already know what my teams are going to end up doing. We just do what we do baby. I also fully realize that THAT is my ego talking too and I realized that when I actually got to sit down later on and finally got to my meditation. Couldn't do it first thing you know. That Coleman meeting started at 8:30 AM. I had barely enough time to get my breakfast and Earl Grey in. And even when I did I could feel myself rolling my eyes at some of the tactics of those consultants. I mean... hold up a shoe if a finding stunk? Really? I was NOT holding up a shoe for that shit. I would hold up a shoe for that idea.  

So anyway the part where my attendance was required finished at 10:30, not that I did anything really. I thought it was a waste of time. But I'm a good soldier so I stuck around until the first break and not one silly second longer. I crashed on the couch and I intended to stay there until at least through lunch. I did said meditation and found this video about a lady that had a NDE and talked about us as energy beings and how everything is energy, every thought, every attitude and as such always has an effect. This is why I think the Universe tests me every once in a while, as if asking if I truly believe what I am saying or doing or feeling.  It is just another reminder of how closely we must watch our thoughts on a moment-by-moment basis. It brought back some of the negative thoughts I had had all week, particularly regarding Lisa. And that the only way to release... is to FORGIVE. But not just the other person. You must also FORGIVE yourself. I know I'm going to get tested again tomorrow about that aren't I? LOL. Gotta learn. It ended up  being sunny by mid-day, so much so I got up off my ass and walked to Subway to get lunch. Should have done El Pollo Loco. But I changed up and I am not really sure why I did that LOL. Felt like i ate crap. I did eat enough to get a 25 minute nap in in the middle of the afternoon, that's pretty good. And then I reminded myself I needed downtime from all the activity of the week. I did that by watching the new movie DUNE. This story is already a re-telling of the 1980s version, the one with Kyle McLachlan and an overacting Sting. I did not like that version. Kind of reminds you of 70s Battlestar Galactica. The technology in moviemaking was not there yet. And this new version was more on point to the original story I think. Although it only told half the story. There's a Part 2 coming for sure. But I liked this part very much. And I also saw parallels to this story to some of the Star Wars plot lines. The Obi Wan Kenobi character. A coming of age just like Luke Skywalker. It was definitely entertaining.  And with the ramen I had for dinner from Mitsuwa, it made for a pretty good Friday I thought. That ramen wasn't enough though and for the 4th Friday in a row, I made a pit stop at Taco Bell, getting 3 soft tacos to fill me up. Fill me up they did and now I was bloated going to bed. This did not end up being a typical Tank Friday. I was still thinking about work at 4 PM. As in I was approving timecards. When do I actually approve those things on a Friday? Still I was able to do some reflection and even did so I was doing my steps for the day. I certainly provided as much value as I could this week, and even though I don't think enough ears and eyes got to see that value, I'm confident it will have reached whoever it needed to reach and that I get the energy back in kind. Karl seemed to be impressed, so much so he wanted to see my presentation. Yeah I want to look back on it too. I think it's something I can be proud of. I ended up not going to bed until 1 AM. I hate that I do that when Johnnie isn't staying with me. All I did was to calm my brain enough to go to sleep. And then tomorrow is a fairly big day, at least for Johnnie. Can't wait...

Back To Work

So it IS Tuesday, but it is back-to-work Tuesday after a long 3-day weekend. A sure formula for lethargy and not-wanting-to-do-anything-itis. Case in point the Business Continuity Meeting that was a staple for Mondays at 10:30 AM lasted all of 20 minutes and I almost missed it because i didn't realize it was at 9:30 AM same time as my IS Team Meeting. Ahh, it's back to work day. As it was the day should have been compressed, what with all the due-on-Monday stuff I had to do. But good soldier that I am, I did it all last night already and so today all I needed to focus on was the Town Hall tomorrow, which I am once again playing host. We're doing it webinar style though for the first time and I simply was not all confident that it was going to go off without a hitch. In fact, the last 2 of these things had big technical glitches and so I put my entire IS team on alert. As far as the presentations themselves, all I had to do was stitch them together. In fact, had it not been for technical issues last month, it would have gone off real smoothly. And so this is how I occupied myself all day while Johnnie was at camp. I dropped him off and within seconds he was off yelling loudly and playing with his camp buddies.  I had a pretty quiet routine morning really, took the dog out for a walk in the summer morning outside. He so loves just sitting in the grass right in front of my apartment, I'm sure because it reminds her of Lisa's back yard. I will admit, she had bleeding spots all over the floor in the kitchen, but since that is a stone tile, what do I care? Nothing to wash, just wipe over it like I would anything I spill on a regular basis LOL. Like the ground beef and spinach noodles I made myself for lunch for example. Just wipin' the floor is all, no big deal. I also put it in my head that I do need to start moving on my accounts and consolidating them in E*Trade. I have to wait for my replacement Pixel in order to do that because of the security app on the broken Pixel. And then I have these little things to do. I have now amassed $700K in my TIAA-Cref account alone and if I plow those in QYLD, do I realize I would be getting $6100 for this month's dividend payout? Hell yeah I could be living off of that already! Did I miss something here? Do I realize I have amassed enough to live off dividends already?!! Of course I have to make sure but it is genuinely exciting. I still want to grow my assets to $2.8M but it's good to know I do have a plan for what to do for money moving forward.

And so I picked up Johnnie and he settled in to his routine: watching the Wild Kratts, eating ravioli for his late lunch, and then an ice cream sandwich right after. And of course playing with the dog. Sometimes I'm a little concerned that I ignore the dog all day. Which I do. And so basically he just lays around. I do take him for a couple of walks throughout the day, let him out to pee. But I don't play with him nearly as much as Johnnie does. Just look at the pic I posted. And Claire is not nearly as energetic alone with me as when Johnnie comes home. She's waiting at the door ready to pounce on him. Man, who knew I'd be dog-sitting all day. Yeah, for sure I am definitely not lonely in the house. I was thinking at first that I would really miss Johnnie the 3 weeks he'll be in Hawaii starting next week. But then again I realize that may be a pretty good breather for me too. I FOR SURE think I put a lot more energy into looking after him than Lisa does. I'm sure Lisa feels it's the other way around. But hey I've spent 5 out of the 7 days with him pretty consistently each week, even after the lockdown. And YES it is definitely tiring. I saw a comedy skit with Michael McIntyre the British comedian about parenting and dealing with kids. Mundane things like oh... leaving the house is very different. Reminds me of Lisa and I pre-Johnnie and after Johnnie. Certainly Lisa and I before Johnnie were very different than when we got Johnnie. And now Me playing "single dad" with Johnnie is W-A-Y different than bachelor Arnel all those years ago. Certainly dating with Johnnie in the equation is harder than it was back then. I have to be far more selective and I'm sure women when they see that I have a young one are crossing me off for that reason alone. And that is perfectly fine with me. And still, how can you ever be lonely when you have a young son and a dog to boot?! When you pick him up from camp and he excitedly shows you all the artwork they've done, how he wants to buy applesauce to make some homemade dog biscuits for Claire. In other words... nonsense. Yet the most important things in the world to me because they are important to Johnnie. And so it was that it wasn't really back-to-work day as it was back-to-routine day. And THAT is perfectly fine with me.

Day Off Monday

Considering I spent all of yesterday injured, I appreciated that I had the day off today, even if I really couldn't do much. Or more accurately, didn't feel like doing much. I felt much better than I did yesterday, although it was still painful to contort my body in certain directions and merely lifting myself out of bed was without pain was challenging. I felt good enough that continuing my streak of 15000 steps is very much do-able. Heck I was simply glad that I finished the week's stats as if there hadn't been a blip unlike early summer last year when leg soreness kept me from doing even 10,000 steps a couple of times that week.  It IS the lowest number of steps I've recorded on any given week since January but I'm not wiggin' about that. Hey, it's not like I'm hurting when I walk. It's when I cough or sneeze is when I double over in pain. Funny how such mundane actions actually are controlled by muscles and ligaments we take for granted.  And just thinking about the process, and seeing this video of a person who went through a NDE (Near Death Experience) and got a much better appreciation for his physical body and how amazing it really is among other things, well that made me appreciate my own physicality too. It only takes one day to not be able to do the things you do physically that you've gotten used to <in my case, playing golf> that you remember to appreciate it. And so this morning I started to walk to the other building across the street, figured I'd do so for about 10 minutes. And I ended up walking all the way to the end of the building. And since I was already at McDonald's I decided to keep going to Ralphs to get some fried chicken for lunch. That's because it was already 11 AM when I finally got myself going. Which is when I took the pic I posted here. And THAT snapped me back to normalcy. I got the chicken, went home, took a shower and enjoyed the nice walk in fact. It was like most Mondays... except of course I didn't have to work today. Actually I did put some time in. Did payroll timesheets. Download the usual data I do on Mondays. I mean, if I do those things today, then I won't have to do them tomorrow and hassle about it won't I?

I also knew Johnnie was scheduled for a swimming lesson this afternoon though I never really heard from Lisa. I mean do I really expect to? Whatever they did yesterday for the 4th I'm sure she is either recovering or bugging from it. I decided to walk to the pool at 3 PM and sure enough there was Stacey waiting for them. I was the one that ended up calling Lisa to let her know she was here. And then when they came, I learned about the latest thing Lisa is bugging about. This time, the dog apparently has started to bleed as part of her cycle. I mean W-h-a-t? I thought we had a puppy. Only when I would read later would I realize this was normal. But apparently the little droplets of blood has bothered Lisa because she had done it on Lisa's sheets, her bed, her carpet, etc etc. Well of course she is bothered by it LOL. I guess it would bother me too. So Lisa bought her a diaper with pads and everything. I mean am I really walking with this dog in diaper pads?? I walked her to my house because I have a neighbor at the pool that said something about the dog not being allowed in the pool. And so it only takes one and I decided better to just not make trouble. Johnnie at least got through his lesson and for the first time, learned to simply swim in the bottom of the pool to get something we dropped in there. I felt like getting in the pool too it was so warm out. But I was still actually hurting on my side so no go for that. I went on home after the lesson and then picked up Johnnie and the dog a couple of hours later for the usual Monday hand-off. I didn't stick around long this time, Lisa had that nervous energy going on where the littlest anything could rattle her and I was not sticking around for that. Better to just pick up my El Pollo Loco burrito and have dinner at home with Johnnie. Apparently they had spent the 4th at Balwan and Sharon's and even spent the night. And it was clear that Johnnie was tired. And so he wolfed down his noodles and then just laid on the couch and asked me to hang there with him. No matter what, when he lays his head on my lap he is just my little boy, my Little Bug. And no I did NOT miss spending time with Johnnie and Lisa. I missed spending time with just Johnnie. And I became aware I won't be seeing him for 3 weeks after next week. It's ok. It'll be ok.

Monday RESET

Is it too late to talk about a Monday reset being that it's already the last Monday in June? Never too late I say. Google Photos sent me one of those comparison pictures, which was me in April 2016 compared to today. Glad to see there wasn't all that much difference. The picture in 2016 was from Portland when I was at the OCHIN Learning Forum. The one today was from my early morning walk as I am determined to finish with 15,000+ steps again. I don't remember when this year I  decided to reach for 15,000 but once I got there, I've been keeping it up for at least 4 months I know that. And today, not only did I get a nice start with 5500 steps even before breakfast, but I got some nice re-setting meditation in too. I focused on what I wanted to accomplish this week. For work, I simply want to create massive value, and this week I'm supposed to take over the EHR team. So I want to start making that transition a seamless one. Other than that, I wanted to be more intentional with transitioning other stuff too. As in my activities outside of work so I can be (a) positioned to help more people and not in the way I'm working now (b) financially independent. I affirmed to myself that I DO want to be a stay-at-home-dad and build other activities working from home. And I don't want to have to work for someone else.  I also reminded myself that I will need to work and clear on some perceptions I have of people in general. As in my lack of patience with them sometimes and my high expectations of the way they SHOULD behave.  I call it grumpy-old-man-itis. That I must overcome to be sure.  Anyway I felt like I accomplished a lot even before breakfast. And then I needed to take a shower in the worst way. All this summer heat has me smelling like sweat. And not taking a shower all weekend made it worse. I can't get away with THAT as much as I did in the winter and spring. It did feel refreshing to clean myself up to be sure. And then it was on to the Business Continuity Meeting, it was on to Covid Vaccination reporting. Ho-hum stuff for a Monday. I did feel like doing something different for lunch and so I walked to Marie Callenders and got me a french dip sandwich and onion rings. Mmmm. Look at the pic of me I posted. Yes I enjoyed it immensely. And then I followed up lunch with a very motivating video from Tony Robbins being interviewed by Lewis Howes. Everytime I hear Tony Robbins speak, I still get motivated and I get reminded of who I am. Especially when he talked about being a parent because he apparently is a new dad again. Parents start off pretty much unconditionally loving their kids as babies. Why don't we have unconditional love all the time? Tony had a good answer. Love is putting somebody else ahead of yourself. It starts with appreciating people because you feel their essence. Gee. What an ANSWER to my focus on impatience with people isn't it? Ahhhh....

By the time I went to pick up Johnnie it was well past 5:30 PM. Almost 6 PM even. I'm sure even Lisa with her penchant for making plans should remember the Johnnie hand-off routine tonight. It turned out mommy and son were in the back porch eating pizza. I'm thinking Johnnie had a really REALLY late lunch. And that is perfectly ok. It was then that Lisa told me she had gotten into a car accident last night. Apparently she was stopped at a light and she got rear-ended. Sounds like the freak accident that wiped out both of our cars the first month we moved into the Maplewood house and Sylvia was over. Someone plowed into our cars simply parked on the street. Fortunately, Johnnie was unharmed and showed no effects whatsoever. That would be a testament to kids being in a car seat I suppose. I am a firm believer that things like car accidents are drawn by some negative energy we get consumed by. The one with both or our cars? That would be because of all the negative energy emanating from Lisa and the tension with Sylvia's visit. The last accident I had in the Prius? I still remember we had had a big fight prior to me leaving the house. Is it a wonder something negative happened? Especially events where we did not get hurt really but somehow caused a tremendous amount of inconvenience? Whatever she was dealing with yesterday, I'm sure it had something to do with family issues. It always does with Lisa. At least she's ok it seemed like. I helped her with her trash cans and then Johnnie, myself, and the dog were off. A quick stop at El Pollo Loco for dinner and we're back in middle of the week mode. Johnnie wasted no time with Wild Kratts videos and his artwork. I just wanted to chill tonight but I had a lot of extraneous energy I needed to process. Still, in terms of resetting for a Monday, it was pretty much mission accomplished. We'll see how the rest of the week goes.

Johnnie Back To School... and A Different Feeling Tuesday

I don't know exactly what made me get kickstarted into doing things outside of the normal routine today. Maybe it was in the middle of the things I usually do to drone off my day, I paid attention more than usual somehow. That would be going through the many web pages and Youtube videos that I usually ingest. Maybe because doing 14,000+ steps yesterday has me more tired than usual this morning. I was sure feeling it in my legs too. Which meant I got real good exercise in. After my usual Tuesday IS Team Meeting I simply wanted to shake off lingering feelings of anxiety which I knew didn't really have any basis on reality but was simply kicking in because of some program. That was actually enough awareness to give me enough room to think of other things I wanted to be thinking about. Somehow I managed to do a round of affirmations, AND alpha frequency harmonics AND my image cycling WHILE I was also doing steps 6 at a time in front of my computer. All this while Johnnie was in front of HIS computer doing his classes (see pic). It was his first day back in school and I for one almost forgot what his passwords were even. I mean it HAS been more than 3 weeks since we were last in front of Schoology and EPIC and SeeSaw homeworks and I must say I welcomed all of these things with open arms this morning. It was great to hear some of Johnnie's Social Studies stuff about American symbols while I was doing my IS Team Meeting like I did for months now before the holiday break. It was AMAZING for him to be completely and totally occupied through 1 PM too. And when he was done, so was I with my internal work. Not only did I finally shrug off those feelings of anxiety but all of a sudden this afternoon it seemed like my focus was different. As if I was being led to these websites and Youtube videos that were more targeted towards the things I was supposed to do, next steps stuff if you will. Even Johnnie chose to watch Winnie-the-Pooh which was so unlike what he had been watching all this time at my house. Crocodile Peterson in the morning, Winnie the Pooh in the afternoon. And about 45 minutes of karate, which means he was actually out of breath doing his workouts. YES YES and YES! 

And so I guess it would not be such a surprise that I could be found listening to binaural beats to heal kidney stones. I wonder why that caught my attention? I have been feeling stuff in my urinary tract but I didn't think it was that much out of the ordinary. And then I found myself listening to this video from a healer who was clearly Filipino who called himself Kuya Nino (oh definitely Filipino) who gave an hourlong webinar on the 8 psychic energies we all could tap into and how important it was to find the one or the collection of these things I have. It's like trying to discover your own talents right? Most of what he presented wasn't really all that new, even the $299 it would cost to get some teaching. I wasn't surprised at the pitch nor the way it was crafted. I wasn't even offended at the price. Maybe it was because it pointed me to a couple of other videos I wanted to watch... which ended up back to some teaching on energy healing and using muscle testing for intuition. The Emotion Code with Bruce Nelson happened to be the source material for all this. And so back I went to Youtube digging up a couple of Bruce Nelson videos. This one focused on helping a woman with back pain all of her life go from 10 - ZERO! And then of course related content with Bruce Nelson and Emotion Codes and Heart Walls including this one for WEALTH. This isn't new material, in fact I shockingly found that I had bought the book for my digital library years and years ago. I guess that is partly my personality... the hoarding thing. And partly programming. I'm a bit dumbfounded that it is finally making sense to me now. Although I have memories of trying to use the muscle testing thing for years now. I just haven't done it consistently. And that is the key towards getting better at something isn't it? I mean how many years have I been playing golf and I haven't really gotten appreciably better? It's because I don't do it every day. And so it was that this Tuesday turned out to be different. BECAUSE I did internal work throughout the day. And it helped me flush out negative patterns. The key is to continue to do it. Just like my steps, just like my Nitric Oxide exercises. And of course because I did get work done, I'm out like a light by 9:30 PM.