Exhale...Forgive...Exhale

I woke up this morning maybe not 100% ready for the work week, but then again it IS a short week after all isn't it? And my calendar IS pretty much empty isn't it? How rare is that? It will be a light week to be sure. But first I must move through the emotional "heaviness" and baggage of this past weekend. I was ready to move on. And fortunately for me I came across a video that helped me do just that.  It was a simple video that focused on raising one's vibration over action. And while listening to that video I actually settled back, closed my eyes, and relaxed. And got myself in state. As in I was in alpha or theta and I started to mentally forgive everything. Starting with the events of the past weekend. And all the other events that had bubbled to the surface and came to my attention because they all had negative vibrations. And when I forgave, I let them go. And gave myself permission for different outcomes and different emotions. And slowly I could feel my vibration rise. And then I remembered the whole narcissist stuff too. It's not like I am giving power to Lisa's negative reactions, more like giving power for me to let that stuff go by as if I'm sitting on a surfboard, letting a might wave simply pass me by. Because I can let it do so. And while I remain calm. And I remain safe. And I remain at peace. Totally made my morning. And when I went outside to start my morning "walk", it was nice and sunny. Still a bit cold, but as long as it wasn't raining, I didn't care. I was curious to see how I'd be able to pull my usual 100+ active minutes since I had a hard time even cracking 70 with the new Fitbit during the last part of last week. And it felt like I worked harder too. This morning though, it seemed easy. I got to the usual 5000 steps well before 9:30 AM. And since it actually gave me credit for 2 minutes instead of 1 every time my HR cranked past 125 bpm, I was well over 40 active minutes. Maybe it won't be as hard as I thought. And to cut this part of the story short, I finished the evening at 11,000+ steps AND 122 active minutes! This is the last Monday of 2021. So I assured myself of keeping up that particularly streak at least through this week. YES!

VERY EASILY the best part of today though, was that Lisa called. She was already on the way to San Diego as she and Johnnie are spending the next couple of days at Hotel del Coronado with Feifei and her kids. It is GREAT that Johnnie gets to spend some time with his biological brothers. It more than makes up for he and I not seeing each other on Christmas Day.  It was already raining. Yes, raining. Never mind the nice of picture of my street from this morning. The sun didn't last through the afternoon. So Lisa gushed with probably the biggest apology I've ever hear her utter, at least to me.  It was more than enough. All I wanted was that she acknowledged that she messed up, that she owned it and apologized for it. Of course I forgave her. I already did from this morning's meditation. And we were able to have a conversation. I know she was remorseful. Which is hard for her to do. I mean  if you cared for someone for real, you would be feel that kind of remorse. And so I was satisfied that she got there.  Talking to her even for just about 10 minutes or so felt light and positive and afterwards I may have been half amazed at how great the exercise from this morning turned out. It really is all about raising your own vibration. It really is all about TRUSTING THE UNIVERSE and KNOWING WITHOUT A DOUBT THAT YOU ARE SAFE and that everything you might even feel like worrying about, is already taken care of.  How cool is that! I spent the rest of the evening basically just chillin'. I mean usually I'd pick up Johnnie. But this is also a good opportunity to reset for the end of the year. For me.  And I have the next couple of days to do just that...

Town Hall Day 2

I had no time to reflect on Lisa's Thanksgiving week plans that have now undermined mine. This morning I had to focus on getting the timing down on me getting a shower first thing, doing the same for Johnnie, getting him prepped and ready for school and dropping him off and getting to our Eagle Rock Health Center by 8:30 AM. We were 2nd in line at the gate we were there so early. And even though I did have to deal with traffic, especially on the 110N downtown, I managed to make it to Eagle Rock before the town hall started. As Town Halls go yesterday was pretty chill, but today's town hall turned out to be difficult only because there was not much energy from the participants. Maybe it was because we were outside(?), maybe this group in particular was more sedate, but I had to turn to exhorting enthusiasm even when I was giving away my prizes. Man was it challenging to get them engaged! But at least we did get through it and as it turned out, the challenge wasn't getting to Eagle Rock, it was getting out of there and getting back home! That's because parts of the freeway were closed. And so I had the added challenge of starting my IS Team Meeting while I was still on the freeway and actually trying to navigate my way back home in unfamiliar streets. Fortunately, it was Nelson and Noriel that knew the area so well, they could verbally navigate me. And I made it back to the familiar parts of the freeway without incident. And I even managed to finish my entire meeting before I even made it back home. Some morning already huh? I reflected on that and reminded myself that if everything was "me pushed out" what was my state that caused all the disruption? Was I still irritated at Lisa's hijack news from last night. Very likely. And so that is what I needed to work on today. I reminded myself that I need not be affected by other people's plans. I simply need to adjust. Ok so we will not be going to Florida. We will be going somewhere and we will have fun and bond together dad and son. I reminded myself that Saturday afternoon was the best bonding experience we could have had. And I did not even plan the thing. It was something that simply came up and we spontaneously did. We will simply have to do more of the same. And so with that I came home and tried to go back to Tuesday routine. I wanted to give Claire a bath really. But I got stuck watching videos LOL. Hey I needed to unwind some didn't I? 

Actually I felt like I was a day off from routine. Even Johnnie recognized it. Told me he wanted chicken noodle penne for dinner. That was usually what he would have on a Monday night. But since Lisa did pizza last night, then it was like Johnnie did a reset and wanted his Monday night chicken noodle tonight. Works for me. In fact I played along and decided to do my El Pollo Loco dinner night tonight too LOL. See? There is absolutely no need to let Lisa's shenanigans and spontaneous swings affect what we do.  Johnnie had played basketball earlier and was very excited to tell me all the stuff he learned about the rules of the game. About playing defense and passing. Perfect! This morning in line one of the parents was surprised to hear that Johnnie knew Newtons Third Law <for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction> and actually knew what that meant in the real world. That's my Smart Little Bug. Look at our picture with him and me and the dog. Just a happy little kid. Even though he scratched me so bad in my arms the scratches did bleed. And so I had to stop him and told him I needed him to understand that THAT is what happened when he gets out of control. Funny that we have to teach our kids not to go full out 1000%. But I also can't have him hurting other kids when he doesn't mean to. I did figure it out that at the expense of my own war wounds, this is how I was going to be able to teach him not to play 100% rough all the time. This is how I teach him to pump the brakes when he gets really really excited. And that A-HA alone made me feel good. No need for yelling and corporal punishment LOL. Just continuous reminders. THIS is how you promote discipline and still be loving and get him to understand he is not at all a bad kid. There is a better way is all. And you can continue to have fun. Of course his smart ass self had to ask afterwards "it's still ok to do it to you dad? Right?". What are you gonna do...

An Impromptu Intervention

So this morning while I was trying to settle my mind now to meditate first thing, I was looking for an alpha isochronic track to meditate to. Instead I came across a Dolores Cannon video on getting rid of karma. That CAN'T be a coincidence could it? And so I watched it and found myself asking: How do you do that? How do you get let go of karma? The answer?  Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. Release. Release. Release. I have a lot of people still to forgive don't I? Including people in general. Strangers. Those that I get angry at or lack the patience to deal with on a day-to-day basis. The funny thing was that as I was forgiving everyone and everything around me, It also came up that I needed to forgive myself as well. Wow. Talk about a powerful emotional process. And all this before I even started meditating about this upcoming week, this upcoming day and the wins I wanted to experience. And after that I once again ran into a self-hypnosis meditation to help reprogram my subconscious. And so I did a 5-minute self hypnosis track where I traveled back to my childhood. I remember my dad scolding me for hanging out and talking about my cousin Arvin all the time I think. I was trying to think of happy times of my childhood. Not many came up I must admit. I remember playing samurai and ninjas. Playing Avengers. I did realize that where there were no happy memories, but then I could create and insert them. I inserted a clip of me hugging my dad and just pooh-poohing whatever he was concerned about. Maybe he was just having a bad day at work. Don't I do that to Johnnie now? I HAVE to watch that don't I? It's going to be ok Dad I heard myself say. Just like a simple hug from Johnnie to Lisa last Saturday seemed to help melt her negative state. I also inserted a clip of my mom keeping the artwork I made her for Mother's Day. Replacing whatever it was that she did that made me feel like she didn't appreciate the present. She did. She simply didn't know how to show it appropriately. Yet another thing to remember regarding Johnnie. So you see it's all about breaking the wheel. THAT is how I move myself forward. And in so doing help move humanity just a miniscule bit forward too.  Wow. It felt like I had a stealth intervention on myself this morning. Which means I now have to do a CPH (change personal history) and let the new information assimilate. All that before I even had breakfast!

The Things Kids Say

Johnnie's AHA. One thing about spending time with Johnnie these days is that he has shown he has a capacity for understanding well beyond his years that is hard to believe. But then again maybe all kids do it's just that us adults dismiss them. And sometimes, most of the time really, the delivery can take you by surprise. Case in point we're driving home from Target today and out of the blue Johnnie says "Dad, I know how you and mom don't have to be divorced anymore".  To say the statement took me by surprise is an understatement. And so I asked: "How Johnnie?". The reply was about as insightful as it got. "You guys just have to do stuff together".  He hit the nail right on the head didn't he? At that point I had to tell him that mom and dad just got to the point where they didn't like each other more often than they liked each other and so that's why they stopped doing things together. The answer was equally as insightful. "You can just start doing things together little by little can't you?". Wow. And then he revealed why he asked the question. "Sometimes it's lonely just doing thing with just her and I." And all I could do was say I understood. And so I pivoted to asking if he got lonely doing stuff with just me. Again an insightful answer: "Maybe when you do to much work in front of your computer dad". Whew. Talk about feeling guilty. I had to explain to him about my job and that I had to spend time in front of the computer because that's what I get paid to do. I promised him I'd spend less time on it though, although I'm not sure exactly how I would follow through on that particular promise. Now mind you this happened around lunchtime. By then Johnnie had taken a nap for more than an hour and a half on the couch. I picked him up at Lisa's at 7 AM, and he was already having breakfast. But he hadn't showered yet. So I brought him to the apartment, gave him a shower, and brushed his teeth. And THEN he knocked off on the couch... 

While Johnnie was sleeping on the couch, I was able to get in an audiobook on the Kybalion and the hermetic principles. I figured I needed to get back to basics.  In that hour I got ME time in sitting on the couch next to him while he napped. And dealt with all that emotional stuff from yesterday fairly effectively I thought. I got the reminder that I was yet again being tested and distracted and I needed to hold on to my focus and the truth that I can always control my reaction and perception. And that I could always choose what I wish to experience. With that said Lisa picked up Johnnie at 3:30 PM and off they went to a playdate with Simon as she usually does on Saturdays. She also invited me over for dinner since she had all this extra food from Panini Grill. Kabobs! What a treat! And I won't have to cook tonight. But then I was probably also thinking about what Johnnie said this morning. Did that have any influence on tonight? Because Lisa made it clear it was optional for me to to come over. My choice. And I did choose to go. And so it was that I had a pretty big dinner over at Lisa's tonight and it was fairly non-eventful... other than instead of playing UNO like Johnnie wanted, we turned on Disney to test her remote control. And because it flashed ever so quickly, Lisa checked out the new Mighty Ducks series on Disney, her old patient Emilio Estevez being on it and all. And we spontaneously watched two episodes! I can't remember the last time Lisa and I watched TV and Lisa laughing as had and as loud as she did tonight. I think it was Santa Clarita diet more than 3 years ago.  It would seem that tonight JOhnnie got his wish. Mommy and Daddy did stuff together, even though he himself was bored and didn't really like the show. We did do a game of UNO right afterwards and I did finally win a game. And then off I went on home. I didn't want to put any significance on my time at Lisa's tonight. It was just a spontaneous family night was all. And that is perfectly ok.

Appreciating Tuesday

Quote of the day: We don't see things the way they are, we see things the way WE are. Another A-HA truth-ism. Even with the dog and Johnnie back in my bed as I woke up this morning, I still got in some pretty good meditation and in fact, remembered something from this weekend in one of the many YouTube videos that I watched that could help with my manifesting. I remember a Joe Dispenza video talking about FOCUS but if you can also add an element of URGENCY so that it has to happen right now, that is when the Universal tumblers click and make things happen FAST. And I found myself thinking that there is a certain comfort level that is making things "good enough" for me. I have no desire to go back to that point where I got let go at USC Dental School albeit not for a few months, or when I got laid off at USC Stevens, albeit I found another job almost immediately. I do remember trying to do online trading when I was let go at USC Dental School, but I was also more focused on the start of a budding relationship with Lisa than the online trading. After all, I was sitting on at least 2 months of income. And as it were, only when Lisa got a job did I kick start my own process of finding a regular source of income too. And so it would seem that FINANCIAL SECURITY is what I desired the most and I had it then. And so all I have to focus on is whatever I need to do to replace my QueensCare income and be financially secure.  OK maybe shoot for even more than that is ok right? And so I had a pretty good foundation for the day even though I knew that as soon as I took the dog out for her morning poop-and-pee session outside, I had already morphed into Tuesday routine. It was still a nice, though windy day out and I also knew rain was coming at some point this week, possibly by tomorrow.  I appreciated playing single dad throwing McDonald's breakfast on for Johnnie, logging him in to his morning school sessions. And because of the early morning meditation session I knew that despite the regular work stuff, the Johnnie school stuff, the dog stuff, I took comfort that I was still doing very ok. Look at the pic I posted of Johnnie reading "the Pigeon needs a Bath" on my computer. That look on his face? The hand on my shoulder? Priceless. 

I also realized that I benefitted today from sleeping more than 6 hours for the first time in a few days, which meant that I was far less likely to be irritated and affected by the day-to-day stuff that is really not as important as I make it out to be. That would be, after all, the key to maintaining a proper mental diet isn't it. If everything is ME pushed out, wouldn't it make sense that I could also push out as much positive stuff as I can? That just the pleasure of listening to Johnnie squeal with laughter as I tickle him is something I can focus on and push out as well? Or appreciating the sound of the dogs paws scurrying towards me from the living room trying to escape Johnnie's teasing attempts. <Note: He really IS picking up on the karate stuff... his kicks have started to feel far less harmless> I thought about driving us to Panda Express Marina del Rey tonight just like I used to a couple of years ago when Johnnie was still at Blue Oak. I looked back at last year's pictures from March and this was the week it was raining and Johnnie played in the Mar Vista playground with his rain boots and with puddles all around. Who KNEW that would be the last time he would be playing there in more than a year! Still it was encouraging to watch him interact with his classmates on Zoom albeit online. And I fully appreciate Lisa's efforts to further socialize him with a couple of kids from the neighborhood (Simon and Rose). Still, all the horseplay on my couch? All the goofy stuff Johnnie does with me? Priceless. And no matter what is going on at work, I know what matters most and I know I am competent and I provide massive value and that is what I hang my hat on every day. There is a lot of stuff I miss of course, hey I'm not perfect. But if there is something that comes to my attention that needs fixing, I usually do fix it. And fix it quickly. Now to translate all that energy into other stuff. I didn't really have time to do much today even though I knew full well there is a boatload of stuff I needed to get to, even the personal stuff. There's taxes that needs to get done. That's got to be high up on the list right? Anyway for some reason I felt ready to go to bed by 9 PM again tonight. I don't know what got me so tired all day. Maybe... oh, taking care of Johnnie and the dog? Getting to 11,000 steps by 8 PM AND doing some leg exercises along the way? Or maybe it's just the lack of sleep over the weekend still catching up with me. In any case, there wasn't a big urge to talk Johnnie into an early night. He was complaining of drinking his protein milk too fast and his stomach needed to "rest" he said. All good with me. We're all of us in bed by 9:15.

President's Day Off

So I have the day off today but on the Monday of Tech Council Meeting week it's not going to be a no-work day. Still without Johnnie or the dog in the house I can at least do my work without interruption. At least I acknowledge I'm the only one that can interrupt myself LOL. And so what I wanted most to accomplish this morning, the thing I intended to do the most was to get some good meditation in. And I got a nice half hour worth. See the mantra I kept repeating to alpha binaural beats. I thought about how I was actually manifesting lots of stuff in the most recent past. What about $14,000+ check with my name on it. Of course it had Lisa's name too and so I need to make a slight mental adjustment LOL. I probably have something I need to work on about getting approval. HER approval. Not too good huh? I also acknowledge that if there is any urgency in my thinking with regards to my job or the job I'm doing, that is 100% self-inflicted and that I can simply choose to be acknowledged for that job instead of worrying how things might go wrong. After all, per my mantra... MY SUCCESS IS INEVITABLE. I also went back to the stuff I dug up yesterday from Valentine's Days of years past. In my 2005 journals, not being in a relationship like I am currently, it would seem that I am in the same state that I am today... that is, on the verge of breaking through. But I was not consistent enough in my practice. Not focused enough with my intention. Easily distracted. That is the adjustment I need to make don't I? Just like golf. And that was a good 16 years ago. At least I can pick up where I left off and make the adjustments now. TODAY. Which is why the meditation exercise was so important. I need to keep doing that every day. What I did do this morning was get right back to the routine of Mondays as my long "run" days, although these days, they are merely lots-more-steps days. It is not insignificant that I did 15000+ steps the last 2 Mondays. And 14,000+ steps the 2 Mondays before that. I merely need to continue that today, especially when I don't have to check in at work. I did get started with work stuff. But I also started my steps early and kept switching between working in front of my computer, AND doing steps outside. Happy President's Day Off! LOL.   

I do recall a couple of President's Days off that we would play golf. Ah but that was when Lisa would still play golf with me. Up until a couple of years ago we would even spend at least the morning for breakfast (Rockenwagner) and then the year before that we were at Laguna Beach on a cold brisk windy day on the way to Tax Prep meeting in Santa Ana. Seems like such a distant memory now. Why is it that Monday days off the last couple of months would fall on Tech Council week Mondays?? And today I had the extra task of cleaning up Data reporting for COVID vaccinations. I worked on that like it was due today. It actually wasn't due until tomorrow, but by early afternoon, I had my spreadsheets ready to go. By then I was already at 10000 steps too and by 3 PM, I actually walked to the store to get ingredients for lamb stew. And that is what I did late afternoon. Clean up the apartment, ready it up for Johnnie and the dog, and make my lamb stew, now easily a go-to for colder days. Of course Lisa would call around 5:30 PM and inform me that they're just headed for home from a day in Pasadena. Apparently the dog got her shots today. I hope Lisa isn't bugging about money again... not when she has a $14K check sitting there uncashed. I decided to go to Lisa's house anyway to pick up Johnnie's stuff so all she had to do was to drop Johnnie and the dog off. I was already half a block from my apartment when she called because she realized that they didn't have Fuzzy. My heart sank. Sigh. Of course I had to go bock to get Fuzzy. Johnnie would have a cow otherwise. And by the time I got there, so did they. And so I did NOT escape putting away Johnnie's saved work, all the dinosaurs he had laid out from the last couple of days. At least we got home by 6:30, I got to eat my hot lamb stew over rice, Johnnie had his usual chicken noodle soup, and even the dog seemed happy. Heck she pooped and pee'd almost the instant I took her to the mulch area in front of my aparment. AND  I made chocolate chip cookies too. And so it turned out that I actually got lots accomplished today. And I'm left with a short work week. But first there's the Tech Council Meeting to plan for...