Self Hypnosis Sessions

About money: I had an impromptu self hypnosis session this morning courtesy of Marisa Peer on a MindValley youtube video. It was about money blocks and how to remove them. And so I half-did the exercise while doing Candy Crush. And I still managed to go to alpha and bring myself back to the time when I was a kid and I saw a scene with my dad making a bet on horse races. And I had a perception my dad was a gambler. Could that be why I have this fear of losing money? And then I went to a scene where I was asking for a Christmas present from an aunt in America. I wanted an electric car. I didn't get one of course and maybe there were some emotions related to that too. Both scenes contributing  to present-day abundance and money blocks. And so I gave myself an auto-suggestion. Hey I was just a kid. I didn't know any better. And now I don't have to have those beliefs anymore. Because I do know better.  I can be/do/have anything I want. I already deserve it and all I have to do is allow myself the experience. I don't need to ask for permission, I just have to GIVE myself permission. And that part of me that is fearful that something bad will happen? I just have to remind that part of me that I can simply CHOOSE to have nothing bad happen. And for everything to happen easily. And that I give myself permission for that too.

About Johnnie: The thing was that all these things I had picked up inadvertently as a kid I now have to apply because now I'M the one saying these things to Johnnie. Last night he didn't get the ice cream that he wanted and he threw a little fit and then punched and kicked me. That behavior rattled me. Is this how people learn to become violent? I did lay down the boundary that this was unacceptable behavior. And at the same time I now realize I also have to provide him with an outlet to express his feelings. Without shouting, without yelling, without hitting, without bullying. I simply needed to ask him what he was feeling and then talk them through with him. I also realize he has a ton of energy and I need to make sure he has an outlet for THAT as well.

No Way Am I Perfect

As much as I wrote about thinking about Johnnie my son while watching episodes of shows dealing with Fathers and sons or as in Raya and the last Dragon, Fathers and daughters, I still do give in to my emotional impulses now and again. No bigger example than today. So by now I think the best thing about staying at home for the past year is that i get to watch Johnnie grow literally first hand, I get to see what he learns in school, I get to see how he participates with his teachers and his peers, and I get to see all sides of him both good and bad. This as LAUSD prepares to return to school possibly in a month. I never saw how he reacted with his classmates on the playground or in class. It's not the same on Zoom I know but still I get to see something. I get to see after school that he has grown into a bit of a jokester, always in play mode, always goofing around. And he no longer hesitates to engage me in physical horseplay where he always goes full out 1000%. That is what I now have to focus on teaching him, is to learn control and to learn to pump the brakes some and when to do just that. Otherwise, he just might hurt some other kid he plays so hard. No longer do I fear his size, his heart more than makes up for that. And sometimes, not a lot of the time, but once in a while, he does tend to lose focus. I have to remind myself he's 6 years old and a 6 year old's attention span. They say the general guideline is #minutes by age, meaning if he's 6 then he should only be able to focus for 6 minutes at a time.  And to accept that he will get distracted. That's something I forgot today when we were driving home from getting dinner. The dog was sitting on his lap and got to trying to bite on her own collar, and so the collar got stuck on his teeth and pretty soon I was hearing yelping from the back seat. The dog was starting to panic, and so was Johnnie. And so I started to panic. We were already just a few blocks from home but I still stopped because I didn't want the dog to suffer, no matter how small. And it took me a little while to get the collar removed from his mouth. When I got done I made it a point to let Johnnie know exactly how mad I was. I kept telling him it was his responsibility and how simple a job it was to simply make sure the dog wasn't doing something strange like what it was that she did. And so Johnnie started stammering about how sorry he was. And within a minute, he started to cry. Yep, I made Johnnie cry. Did I need to do that? Absolutely not. How can you teach a lesson to a child after you've bullied him? Fortuantely for me, the mere sight of Johnnie crying always rips my heart open too. And I always get reminded that I had shifted into asshole mode. And so I realized that it was me that had gotten out of control. And i had to sit down with Johnnie to let him know exactly why I had gotten so mad. I wasn't so much mad at Johnnie as I was frustrated that the dog was suffering needlessly. I did NOT want to give JOhnnie the slightest indication that the dog was more important than he was, but that's exactly what I did didn't I? And so I made sure he understood that I wasn't disappointed or mad and that I was simply afraid for the dog. I think he got it. He was back to his usual self in minutes after that. All of that took away what turned out to be a pretty good day actually. It rained a lot last night and the dog was scared of all the noise and it was a different experience trying to get him to poop and pee in the wet mulch outside my front door area. Still we managed... AND we managed to give her a bath tonight too. By then Johnnie wanted to be in charge of that and for once the dog wasn't resisting us as much in the tub. She smelled really good afterwards. Finally I can have her sleeping near the bed without fear she would soil everything and without her stinking as well. So at least we got that done and hopefully that activity cancelled the other stuff with the dog. I just have to learn to be patient with Johnnie most of all. And right now he's just a normal, happy 6 year old child... unless Lisa and I fuck it up. And that I can't have. No way no how.

Johnnie Back To School... and A Different Feeling Tuesday

I don't know exactly what made me get kickstarted into doing things outside of the normal routine today. Maybe it was in the middle of the things I usually do to drone off my day, I paid attention more than usual somehow. That would be going through the many web pages and Youtube videos that I usually ingest. Maybe because doing 14,000+ steps yesterday has me more tired than usual this morning. I was sure feeling it in my legs too. Which meant I got real good exercise in. After my usual Tuesday IS Team Meeting I simply wanted to shake off lingering feelings of anxiety which I knew didn't really have any basis on reality but was simply kicking in because of some program. That was actually enough awareness to give me enough room to think of other things I wanted to be thinking about. Somehow I managed to do a round of affirmations, AND alpha frequency harmonics AND my image cycling WHILE I was also doing steps 6 at a time in front of my computer. All this while Johnnie was in front of HIS computer doing his classes (see pic). It was his first day back in school and I for one almost forgot what his passwords were even. I mean it HAS been more than 3 weeks since we were last in front of Schoology and EPIC and SeeSaw homeworks and I must say I welcomed all of these things with open arms this morning. It was great to hear some of Johnnie's Social Studies stuff about American symbols while I was doing my IS Team Meeting like I did for months now before the holiday break. It was AMAZING for him to be completely and totally occupied through 1 PM too. And when he was done, so was I with my internal work. Not only did I finally shrug off those feelings of anxiety but all of a sudden this afternoon it seemed like my focus was different. As if I was being led to these websites and Youtube videos that were more targeted towards the things I was supposed to do, next steps stuff if you will. Even Johnnie chose to watch Winnie-the-Pooh which was so unlike what he had been watching all this time at my house. Crocodile Peterson in the morning, Winnie the Pooh in the afternoon. And about 45 minutes of karate, which means he was actually out of breath doing his workouts. YES YES and YES! 

And so I guess it would not be such a surprise that I could be found listening to binaural beats to heal kidney stones. I wonder why that caught my attention? I have been feeling stuff in my urinary tract but I didn't think it was that much out of the ordinary. And then I found myself listening to this video from a healer who was clearly Filipino who called himself Kuya Nino (oh definitely Filipino) who gave an hourlong webinar on the 8 psychic energies we all could tap into and how important it was to find the one or the collection of these things I have. It's like trying to discover your own talents right? Most of what he presented wasn't really all that new, even the $299 it would cost to get some teaching. I wasn't surprised at the pitch nor the way it was crafted. I wasn't even offended at the price. Maybe it was because it pointed me to a couple of other videos I wanted to watch... which ended up back to some teaching on energy healing and using muscle testing for intuition. The Emotion Code with Bruce Nelson happened to be the source material for all this. And so back I went to Youtube digging up a couple of Bruce Nelson videos. This one focused on helping a woman with back pain all of her life go from 10 - ZERO! And then of course related content with Bruce Nelson and Emotion Codes and Heart Walls including this one for WEALTH. This isn't new material, in fact I shockingly found that I had bought the book for my digital library years and years ago. I guess that is partly my personality... the hoarding thing. And partly programming. I'm a bit dumbfounded that it is finally making sense to me now. Although I have memories of trying to use the muscle testing thing for years now. I just haven't done it consistently. And that is the key towards getting better at something isn't it? I mean how many years have I been playing golf and I haven't really gotten appreciably better? It's because I don't do it every day. And so it was that this Tuesday turned out to be different. BECAUSE I did internal work throughout the day. And it helped me flush out negative patterns. The key is to continue to do it. Just like my steps, just like my Nitric Oxide exercises. And of course because I did get work done, I'm out like a light by 9:30 PM.