Memories from 2014

A little time travelling today. Seven years ago we were implementing EPIC. And we brought home Johnnie that Monday <pic of the meeting with FeiFei at the IAC that Friday before>. It was a period of time that changed my life obviously both at work and at home. A seismic shift such as it were. I just went back to remember...

Self Hypnosis Sessions

About money: I had an impromptu self hypnosis session this morning courtesy of Marisa Peer on a MindValley youtube video. It was about money blocks and how to remove them. And so I half-did the exercise while doing Candy Crush. And I still managed to go to alpha and bring myself back to the time when I was a kid and I saw a scene with my dad making a bet on horse races. And I had a perception my dad was a gambler. Could that be why I have this fear of losing money? And then I went to a scene where I was asking for a Christmas present from an aunt in America. I wanted an electric car. I didn't get one of course and maybe there were some emotions related to that too. Both scenes contributing  to present-day abundance and money blocks. And so I gave myself an auto-suggestion. Hey I was just a kid. I didn't know any better. And now I don't have to have those beliefs anymore. Because I do know better.  I can be/do/have anything I want. I already deserve it and all I have to do is allow myself the experience. I don't need to ask for permission, I just have to GIVE myself permission. And that part of me that is fearful that something bad will happen? I just have to remind that part of me that I can simply CHOOSE to have nothing bad happen. And for everything to happen easily. And that I give myself permission for that too.

About Johnnie: The thing was that all these things I had picked up inadvertently as a kid I now have to apply because now I'M the one saying these things to Johnnie. Last night he didn't get the ice cream that he wanted and he threw a little fit and then punched and kicked me. That behavior rattled me. Is this how people learn to become violent? I did lay down the boundary that this was unacceptable behavior. And at the same time I now realize I also have to provide him with an outlet to express his feelings. Without shouting, without yelling, without hitting, without bullying. I simply needed to ask him what he was feeling and then talk them through with him. I also realize he has a ton of energy and I need to make sure he has an outlet for THAT as well.

An Impromptu Intervention

So this morning while I was trying to settle my mind now to meditate first thing, I was looking for an alpha isochronic track to meditate to. Instead I came across a Dolores Cannon video on getting rid of karma. That CAN'T be a coincidence could it? And so I watched it and found myself asking: How do you do that? How do you get let go of karma? The answer?  Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. Release. Release. Release. I have a lot of people still to forgive don't I? Including people in general. Strangers. Those that I get angry at or lack the patience to deal with on a day-to-day basis. The funny thing was that as I was forgiving everyone and everything around me, It also came up that I needed to forgive myself as well. Wow. Talk about a powerful emotional process. And all this before I even started meditating about this upcoming week, this upcoming day and the wins I wanted to experience. And after that I once again ran into a self-hypnosis meditation to help reprogram my subconscious. And so I did a 5-minute self hypnosis track where I traveled back to my childhood. I remember my dad scolding me for hanging out and talking about my cousin Arvin all the time I think. I was trying to think of happy times of my childhood. Not many came up I must admit. I remember playing samurai and ninjas. Playing Avengers. I did realize that where there were no happy memories, but then I could create and insert them. I inserted a clip of me hugging my dad and just pooh-poohing whatever he was concerned about. Maybe he was just having a bad day at work. Don't I do that to Johnnie now? I HAVE to watch that don't I? It's going to be ok Dad I heard myself say. Just like a simple hug from Johnnie to Lisa last Saturday seemed to help melt her negative state. I also inserted a clip of my mom keeping the artwork I made her for Mother's Day. Replacing whatever it was that she did that made me feel like she didn't appreciate the present. She did. She simply didn't know how to show it appropriately. Yet another thing to remember regarding Johnnie. So you see it's all about breaking the wheel. THAT is how I move myself forward. And in so doing help move humanity just a miniscule bit forward too.  Wow. It felt like I had a stealth intervention on myself this morning. Which means I now have to do a CPH (change personal history) and let the new information assimilate. All that before I even had breakfast!

Anniversary

3 years ago before I moved out of Lisa's Maplewood house and i filmed myself traipsing through the lush backyard grass that I tended myself only because I knew (a) I wasn't going to get to do that anymore (b) that grass would be replaced sooner or later and I wanted to remember it.  The first video was of that day. The video below that, almost exactly 3 years later. Lisa had replaced the grass, it is lush again finally. And so I filmed myself traipsing through the grass too. No commentary there. Just an anniversary of sorts. And just to remind myself. Never say never. You just never know... All it takes... is a little time.

Was It Valentine's Day Today?

Today was Valentine's Day, not that THAT is any significance for single dads not dating anyone currently like myself LOL LOL. <To be fair, I do want to and intend to go beyond just perusing profiles on Zoosk ok?> Instead, it's merely another golf Sunday and today we are at Penmar for the first time in months. At least for the 3 of us <that would be Greg, Scott, and I> we haven't played here together in more than a year. So today counts as a treat actually considering that the play goes by faster and the fact that it is so close to me I could actually get there in less than 10 minutes. Which allowed me to lollygag at home when I woke up and make myself breakfast. I'll take Earl Grey hot tea and bacon/tomato/cream cheese on a toasted bagel from my own kitchen any day.  It was a beautiful day out already by the time I headed out and by the time it was close to the 9:20 tee time, it had actually gotten warm enough where I didn't need my vest. Just a gorgeous, wind-swept but not cold at all February morning at Penmar. I'll take that any day. Before we started playing, it was not lost on Scott and I that we used to do this tee time <9:30> all the time years ago and Lisa and I would still be running in late from the parking lot... and Scott and Greg knew I was not the reason <CHUCKLE>. Just another memory from my past married life that is best to move on from. And so on to the golf. I reminded myself this morning that what keeps me from doing well is that i'm in my own head too much and that I need to find a way to unhook from that and the past negative program. <I am not consistent><I can't hit a decent shot from the fairway> That was all I wanted to practice on today. Flash forward to lunchtime... I'm picking up my usual from Crimson. After all, it IS right down the street. We had gotten done by 11:10 in fact, far earlier than I thought. We had taken just 2 hours to play! And how did I play? A quick summary was that I played pretty well compared to the last couple of weeks. And I didn't whiff on too many shots. I'm still hitting trees but that is merely an adjust when I'm in front of those things, to learn to just dribble out. I didn't hit my tee shots as solidly as I like either. Except an iron on the short hole 3 that I landed pin level and right on the green. I got a par on that one, my only one for the day. But I did not have any blow-up holes. And even while not really hitting well off the tee, I got to the green in 3 and got a bogey 5 on Hole 1, Hit the tree off the tee but got to the edge of the green in 3 shots again on Hole 2, hit the tree again on 4 and whacked an errant OB shot to the other tee box... and that would be my worst hole actually. Got a bogey 4 on the narrow Hole 5. Got to the green in 2 on that one. Got a 6 on the long Hole 6 with a nice fairway shot that went 200 yards, Hit the tree again on Hole 7 but got a 6 again. Got a bogey 4 on Hole 8 and finally blasted a tee shot 220 yards down the fairway on the last hole. So I made enough good shots, and hit far less bad shots to feel satisfied about my play today. It's a good improvement and I'll take that any day. And so I went on home and enjoyed my usual lunch. Effectively, my day was over right there. On a normal Sunday I'd just take a nap and cruise the rest of the day to the end of the weekend. So what did I do the rest of the day? Nothing. A big fat nothing. I kept on watching Season 1 of the series FRINGE my latest binge series for this week. And just because of today, I did time travel to a couple of Valentine's Days of years past. There is no disputing that Lisa is the one big love of my life even if our relationship ended in divorce. And so most memorable Valentine's Days would obviously have her in it. Both good days AND bad actually. I do know that to effectively clear out negative emotions, I must override them with the good and so I chose to focus. And so I chose to focus on the old ritual I had of giving a rose to every one on her staff at her office and how many times I did that LOL. And remembering that I chose to do that because I love giving out flowers and Lisa hated receiving them for whatever reason. Note: I do know she was in a great mood on Friday because she received them from a patient that day she did an impromptu procedure on, on a day she wasn't even supposed to work. See? She does like getting them. Probably just not from me LOL LOL <smh??> Nah, I simply need to remember that in the here and now I am no longer responsible for making her happy not should I even try and that I should divert that energy... to myself. See those old thoughts about making her happy are the thoughts I need to purge. It's ok. I kept on time travelling farther and got to 2006. No digital records then, no electronic journal. I had to dig through my old paper notebook journals.  And simply reading through that time period in 2006 made me realize THAT was time period when Lisa and I had our first kiss at the LA Coliseum, and making out at whatever class room we can find at USC. We were still hiding then. Hiding being with one another. The excitement of new love. Now THAT was a Valentine's Day. It was a Valentine's MONTH to be honest. And remembering that time simply made me smile. Thank you for being with me for that ride Lisa. Thank you.