Home Alone Christmas Day

Ah Christmas Day.  When some folks are with their families, opening Christmas presents first thing in the morning, particularly the kids, maybe having leftover ham from last night's Christmas Eve dinner like I'm sure MY family in San Diego is doing, I'm not doing any of those. My only thought this morning was that I am going to spend the day recovering emotionally from Lisa's shit antics yesterday. Which meant of course that I am staying as far away from her as possible today. It also meant that I was not going to go to the Elam's for Christmas.  I was going to let Lisa explain my absence. Until I got a call and a text from Diana making sure I was coming. Either Lisa hadn't told them yet, or she probably said she didn't know if I was coming and couldn't reach me. She did try to call me on both my phones and I simply did not pick up. I had no intention of talking to her today. The risk of me doing the same thing and blowing up right back at her was way too great. You see, I was very calm yesterday and I was very proud of myself for that. But I was not too sure that I was not repressing my own anger, which was the more natural reaction and I really want to make sure I express that in some way. In a healthy way. I guess that is what this journal is for. So here goes... WHAT THE FUCK WAS SHE THINKING. SHE IS SUCH A FUCKING BITCH! HOW DARE SHE DO THAT IN FRONT OF MY SON! WE ARE DIVORCED YOU FUCKING BITCH! I DO NOT HAVE TO DO ANYTHING YOU SAY! IF I DON'T WANT TO EAT THE SHIT FOOD YOU EAT, I AM NOT GOING TO. YOU GOT THAT?! YOU BETTER FUCKING APOLOGIZE TO ME OR I AM GOING TO MAKE SURE YOU NEVER DO THAT TO ME AGAIN. NOT IN FRONT OF MY SON. Whew.  HEY writing all that actually does make me feel better! So since it didn't appear like she was going to tell Diana what was going on. I decided that I would do it. I texted her to let her know I wasn't coming and why.  Within 15 minutes both she and Courtney texted me back saying they understood.  Courtney should understand since she has also been in Lisa's crosshairs since she started staying at her house.  Now that I think about it, who hasn't been in Lisa's crosshairs? I bet those people didn't get screamed at the way Lisa screamed at me though. I simply cannot allow that behavior to continue.

But for today, I was satisfied simply steering clear. And spending Christmas alone. I need today to heal. Now I'm glad I bought some food. Since everything is closed today, at least I have some food to make myself for tonight. I actually cooked up the chicken breasts I bought a couple of days ago. And then made myself some of that stuffing everyone likes that I make. Ahhh, I ended up having a pretty decent christmas dinner for myself. So much so I had to post the pic. I immersed myself in emotional healing frequencies. I'm not sure I am ready to let go 100% just yet. Since that is what emotional healing is about. But I can at least start with that process. Part of it is also to determine what, if anything, message or lesson the Universe was trying to get me to focus on.  if everything is me pushed out, then was there a part of me that needed to rage about something? Is that what manifested Lisa's rage? Or was it just a memory playing itself over and over like the ghosts of Christmas past, in this case Lisa's? Was there some part of me that wanted to see drama? All valid questions and I contemplated each in my own quiet. If I didn't know what I needed to learn, I did know what I didn't want to do, which is to let it distract me and let myself get sucked into the drama. I simply need to say NO, Uh-UH. NOT FOR ME. THANK YOU NO. And I need to focus on what I want. Which is more harmony, more peace, more joy, more love.  And with that I parked myself on the couch for most of the day, only getting up to get my steps done. And I want to note that I finished 10,000+ steps today DESPITE parking myself on the couch for most of the day. I even got 60 active minutes in.  How about THAT! And I did enjoy my chicken breasts for dinner. And watched movie and video after movie and video. And watched the Lakers ALMOST pull it out on a Christmas day tilt with the NETS. Game tied at 115 with 45 seconds to go. But they couldn't get a stop. And that was that. Oh well... And I never even got to the new Spiderman movie which I had on the ready.  Of course I had to watch George Bailey and It's A Wonderful Life didn't I? And I had to watch a Christmas Carol, though it was the dark version from 2019. Yes I spent Christmas Day alone this year and sadly I will remember it attached to the events of yesterday's Christmas Eve. But at the end of the evening, I felt much better about it. And I knew that I had started to heal. Awesome.