Wet, Blustery Monday

So this week is the last week of winter and boy is she trying to go out with a bang. So Cal woke up to rainfall this morning and so I could hardly be blamed if I just kept under my covers snug as a bug on a rug and slept in. But nope, it is Monday and a Monday of Tech Council Meeting week at that, which meant I have to do a lot of prep work for the next couple of days. Not to mention I have to do Covid Vaccine Reporting today as well, which already keeps me occupied for at least an hour.  And so with this on my mind, I hustled myself out of bed, did a quick mental scan. I am trying to keep to Joe Dispenza's advice to do all your mental and internal work early and first thing before you get on your ride for the day, which is all your regular work whatever that is. I actually found myself focusing on rain droplets on a leaf, that's how I focused and centered this morning. But then I went on and got started with Monday exercise routine. Mondays of course is my heavy steps day and although I could easily be given a pass for Rainy Day Monday, I decided I'd keep on with the routine. And so the pic I posted reflected me doing aerobics inside to my running playlist on Youtube, rather than taking in a usually sunny morning. Yep, I was still in my underwear too. And before 9 AM, before I even had breakfast, before I even took my shower I already had 4000 steps in. And I already felt pretty good about the morning. And with that I started the work routine, flipping between presentation slides I need to be making and the 10:30 Business Continuity meeting. For the first time in a year, we actually can talk about the possibility of some people going back to the office, though that by itself won't be a reality until the summer I think for when LA itself is going to start recovering. It's been an entire year that we as this particular meeting group is convened, that we've been doing this Monday thing and really you can't say that it hasn't worked. Most importantly is that our Executive Leadership thinks it's working and that's the opinion that counts. By the end of the meeting the rain had stopped and I at least ventured outside. It is still wet but then again, it's always the best right after it rains and the sun comes out and it's still kind of wet out. I ventured out to do steps of course and by the time I was having lunch I was already at 8500 steps and more than 70 active miles. At this point, I think I'm going to make the minimum goal of 14000 pretty easily. I probably could have taken a nap but then again I had to focus on getting my Covid reports out. By the time I got done it was already 2 PM. And so I went on to the prep-food-for the-week-routine. That would be the week's bacon supply LOL, that would be rice for the next couple of days, and that would be Johnnie's penne pasta starting tonight. And of course later on I would also make my stash of lamb stew. If it's still going to be cooler out all week, then soup and stew will still be the fare for this week. And so with all that going on, 5 PM came quickly. And the best part of that was that it was still very much light out. The best part of Daylight Saving actually. I was at Lisa's house by 5:30 and though there wasn't much of a mess, certainly not as much as she usually let Johnnie do, it wasn't a good sign that Lisa was upstairs in bed. Remember I hadn't talked to her since Saturday night. I let her deal with whatever she was dealing with, short of telling her she was creating her own illness experience. Tonight, she was really no different than she was for the last week and I really don't know how to help her any further other than to let her rest and get Johnnie and the dog out of her hair. She raised a fuss when she remembered the mess they left in the kitchen, what with Johnnie trying to create a worm farm. Why she would let him do that unsupervised is beyond me. And apparently her mom had come earlier and didn't help at all, which further triggered an angry reaction. So much so she lost in when she saw Johnnie's mud tracks all over the carpet on the stairs.  She yelled, she screamed, no different reactions than when I used to live here. The difference was that she couldn't blame it on me. And I certainly wasn't going to let her project all that shit on me either. I sat there and waited for she and JOhnnie to clean up whatever they needed to clean up and then off we went to more peaceful venues: my apartment.  My lamb stew was waiting for me, Johnnie's chicken broth penne was waiting for him, and even the dog seemed happy to be in the apartment again. All is good. Just another Monday LOL LOL.

Retro Harbor Day

Ahhh Daylight Saving Time, and it's Spring Forward so we lose an hour and we have to get up one hour earlier. For me I welcome it for the simple reason that it is an indicator that winter is just about over and that spring is just days away. And so I will head on over to the golf course an hour earlier than usual and today is a retro game. The usual foursome, Chris included, at Harbor Park, where haven't played together the 4 of us in over a year. It had been so long that when I sent the invite to Chris, he couldn't pass it up. And so I'm back to figuring out the energy I need to have a good game. And THAT will take a bit of work because Lisa's calls yesterday have me a little off-balance. As did the interaction with Emma on Friday. Little events really, but collectively I realize now that THIS is how and why a little off-balance becomes way off-balance. And off-balance before golf becomes a terrible golf game. Or is it simply because I've allowed myself to get rushed instead of being relaxed? The latter is more the key I think as I know I splay the ball way left - which I do a lot - when I'm rushed and I miss. I got to the golf course early actually. So early that I had time to hit some warm-up shots in the cage. And I was very hopeful that this would translate to a much better showing than last week, and more like the game I had at Penmar a couple of weeks ago. Actually it was nice to see the 4 of us together once more here at Harbor. It used to be that this course, like Penmar, allowed fivesomes and was very busy and had long waits in between holes. But as Penmar has improved in that regard, so has this course. We barely so the golfers behind us all day. And so we go to the first tee and what do I do with my first shot? Splay it to the left. Hard. So much for relaxed, and so much for those practice shots helping out. I did get a nice second shot through the trees and within 5 yards of the green. But I badly played what should have been an easy chip and what should have been a bogey turned into a 7. I played like crap the first 3 holes and mainly because I could not get myself settled down. I finally did on the 4th hole where 2 irons got me close to the green but again misplayed the chip from there. That would be the pattern the whole game really... I just couldn't chip on the green close to the hole. I did have a nice booming tee shot on Hole 5, which was where I had Scott take the pic of me. Right after that did I blast my best shot of the day. Too bad I wasted it with a weak 2nd shot. And then by putting myself in the sand trap. Sigh. Finally on hole 6 I got a bogey that tied me for the hole. And then again on Hole 8. No pars though, just a couple of shots I could feel good about. But the best part was getting to play with the 4some again. Now Greg is talking about retiring and moving to Arizona permanently. Probably by summer. Pretty soon I'll need to get used to making reservations just for myself maybe. Or finding another group to create. I would like to take credit for keeping this group together for the past year of the pandemic. It is not easy waking up at 6 AM on Friday mornings just to hunt for a decent tee time. But I've done it for a year now and it has started to become routine too. ON my way home, I followed an old instinct and went to Playa del Rey Bristol Farms to pick up a turkey sandwich and cole slaw for lunch. How many times did I do that in the past?! But I hadn't done it in more than a year. I was just glad to get to do it again, just like the old lunches at Champagne on the way home from Penmar back in the day. I felt like stopping by Lisa's to check on them on the way to my apartment. Even called. But it seemed like no one was home. Hopefully that's a good thing, I just did it in case Johnnie needed rescuing and getting watched for the rest of the day. As far as the rest of my day, I just chilled on the couch really, resisting the idea of working. Heck it's Sunday. I need my R&R day. Even if just to watch the Grandmaster <Ip Man> and Aquaman. I didn't clean the house, didn't even go out to eat. Just ate pho and Whole Foods frozen lamb entree. I will be busy enough for this week. Got to rest for that. A retro Harbor day and yesterday's birthday party was plenty to be thankful for for this weekend.

Way Different Saturday: The Birthday Party

So last night Lisa springs on me that I am actually the one that has to take Johnnie to Brooklyn's house where her little sister is celebrating her 4th Birthday party. That would be because it starts at 11 AM and her piano lessons start at 11:30. Smh Smh. She knows stuff like this is out of my comfort zone yet she keeps passing it on to me. Examples? Oh how about the playdate with Rose at Penmar being the most recent example... Still, how can I not do it? Johnnie had been talking on and on about seeing Brooklyn this weekend. You know we make fun that the two of those kids are already fated to know each other for life. She already considers him her boyfriend LOL LOL. You never know how something like that pans out later on in life you know? And so the bottom line is that Lisa dropped Johnnie off around 10 AM because she had stuff to do with her contractors. Shocking I know. And despite my initial reaction of hesitancy, I did get myself mentally prepared and from 11:30 until 1:30 which was when Lisa finally came over I was actually glad I came. The kids, Johnnie and Brooklyn, had a great time together. And I'm simply going to let pictures do the talking here...

No question these 2 are all about pure cuteness together. When Lisa came I went on home and that should have been that for the day. I, in fact, had a nice meditation morning this morning and got myself in a good state. Which is why I don't understand that there must be some part of me that insists on fucking that up. Why else would Lisa call me 3 times between 4 and 10 PM bugging about her constant discomfort with internal infections?! At first I was sympathetic. I could sense she was merely in an anxious state, no different than the state I was in when I would check myself in to Cedars-Sinai thinking I was having a heart attack or some other kind of cardiac event.  I managed to get her to calm down the first time. She called again and it was much harder. By 10 PM she had decided to go to the doctor tomorrow and was calling to see if I could take care of Johnnie. Now it had gotten out of control. SHE had gotten out of control. I get that she is in discomfort. But not enough to go to the ER. She simply is not able to handle not being in control, not of her own body, but all she has to do is manage her state and she would feel a whole lot better. Basically I told her to simply get some reason and although I never said it, what I meant was, get out of your head you kook and I'm not watching Johnnie simply because you've become some kind of hypochondriac. That's just stupid. I'm playing golf dammit. No way I'm letting Lisa's neurosis fuck that up. What I did when I got myself calmed down was to send her healing energy. And I think it was enough. I didn't call her to check. But I bet she's feeling better now. We'll see...

One Year Ago

So a year ago this week went from half the managers working from home to EVERYBODY working from home. Yep, it's been a year. Can you believe it? One year of managing Johnnie through online classes. One year doing twice a week Zoom meetings. I think one can safely say that after a year of working from home I don't think I'd have it any other way. So one of my wishes came true after all. I remember exactly a year ago I scoffed at Lisa because she stopped by the grocery store on her way home from picking up Johnnie and there was nothing on the shelves. True enough I had to see it for myself. There was nothing on the shelves. That was the week we all worried if we had enough toilet paper LOL. That time I still wasn't 100% convinced about the wearing a facemask thing although it is second nature by now. Even if I had to be scolded by my neighbor right in front of my apartment unit. A year ago I would have never thought that we <WE as in QueensCare, as in Lisa and I, as in everybody> would have to stay at home locked down for an entire year, nor did we have the resilience to do so. Yet here we are. The vaccine is here so we can now start talking about things getting back to semi-normal. Because I don't think there is any going back 100% to the way it was.  If anything there is now a renewed focus on being able to do things outside more. And I for one welcome all that wholeheartedly. I mean there is an improvement even in the traffic of LA's freeways. Not significant, but an improvement just the same. And so far I have logged 24K on my car after 3 years+ Way under the usual. All those things are positive. BUT I also haven't seen my family in more than a year, though that is more preference than resolve. Everyone else in my circle I've see at least a couple of times and I have to say I have seen Lisa more in the past year than I thought I would ever have, certainly much more than if the pandemic wasn't going on. AND SO, with all that reflection, I noticed that I worked hard today. Yes today Friday. No tank day today for sure. I took a shower early, hopped on a Zoom call to talk about Covid vaccine data with the Data Analytics crew, then hopped on another call at noon to plan for more vaccines coming in from the Federal govt. Boy they sure are serious when they say they want everyone vaccinated by summer. That meeting had a little tension because Emma and I disagreed on where to collect the data.  Later on I realized that was me trying to be right. I could give a rat's ass where it's collected really as long as my team rolls with it and is able to report. I think that was just an echo between Emma and I from way back in the day when she was new.   

The important thing was that we had a plan after that meeting.   I worked so hard today that by 3 PM I hadn't even done 1000 steps yet.  It was like I was sedentary all day long by then. I fixed that real quick. A walk to Ralphs to do groceries, and then again to Trader Joe's to do more groceries and I had caught up with my steps before 5 PM. Why 5 PM? Because the most recent Friday night routine when Lisa isn't working on a Saturday is that she practices piano for her class. Hence I've been coming over to share a meal and then to watch Johnnie while she practices. Today I called her since I had nothing to do and really nothing to binge watch on Netflix LOL. And as it turned out she had plenty of food she needed to prepare or they would go bad. She had an entire steak and shaved beef <the kind I would use for homemade pho>, the good one from Trader Joe's. And I'm sure she's due for another grocery drop this weekend already. And so I made us some stir-fry with broccoli flowerettes. And it turned out really really good too. I also brought some of the leftover penne for Johnnie's chicken noodle soup. A fine meal was had by all on this Friday night. I did end up watching Johnnie. Or rather we ended up starting up Raya and the Last Dragon again. I knew he wanted to watch it with Lisa but she wasn't obliging him. No matter, we still saw about an hour's worth before Lisa got done with her piano practice. And then I went on home. The new Pandemic Friday this night was and that was ok.  AND the final piece about remembering the significance of today was that I am GRATEFUL. I appreciate that I made it through the year just fine, and actually came out of it even better financially, even better emotionally, and very good physically. There were some challenges there, but nothing I didn't learn from and overcame quickly. Now to focus on the next coming year. And the here and now.

Another Thursday, Another Hand-off Nite

If it's Thursday, then it must be hand-off night tonight and therefore the day has all kinds of different things that Johnnie has in mind he has to get done today. So much so he made a list. Gee I wonder where he got that from? As for me, it's sort of the quiet before the storm kind of thing... meaning I'm going to be hit with stuff I need to get done starting next week with the Tech Council Meeting, and then my talk for the CCALAC symposium is due the week after that, and then we're into April already and my IS Team is hosting next month's FRB Birthday party and I already know we have to go... BIG! Because I messed up with this month's birthday celebration. But hey that's all in the future isn't it?! In the here and now the rains have stopped and we've gone back to taking the dog out every hour so she could poop and pee. That's how mundane the day was. See the pic of Johnnie doing just that. And then of course there is his schedule of classes and my schedule of meetings and together that's an ongoing set of activities through the end of the day. I did manage to catch a breath and sat outside and had lunch while Johnnie was in class. Made myself that un-stuffed cabbage dish over rice that I like so much. If we were back in the office, I'd lollygag and maybe get myself a Starbucks on my way back from lunch. These days I'm just catching whatever break I can to do steps / Powerwalk routine right outside my unit. You can knock out 500 steps easy in about 5 minutes, which is what I had been doing all week. In fact by mid-afternoon I was already at 280 active minutes for the week and over 210 cardio minutes. Which meant that I had done a full week's worth of medium workout and in 3 1/2 days. As busy as the day seemed we still managed to do all kinds of bonding stuff, and I might add that we even took a side trip to Lisa's house in the middle of the day so I could download Raya and the Last Dragon on her media player so Johnnie could watch it with her. His request you know. By the time I was getting us dinner at Panda Express it was already well past 5 PM. I was held up courtesy of another data request regarding Covid vaccines. Seems like there is one of those every damn day. I only felt rushed because there was an outside chance Lisa c-o-u-l-d come earlier than usual at 6:30 to pick up Johnnie like she had 2 weeks ago. I even had Johnnie clean up his saved work early in the afternoon so we wouldn't have to deal with it anymore after dinner.

As it turned out Lisa called at 7 PM and she was already outside waiting for Johnnie. I very much welcomed that. Earlier is better than later, at least as far as I was concerned. Even at 7 PM I did the scrubbing routine which was to clean up the apartment of traces of Johnnie and the dog LOL. First all the dog's towels went in to the laundry. Then all of her stuff, her bed, her food, her bowls, etc etc. By the time I got done it felt like I was living in the apartment alone again.  I was just about to put up my feet and figure out what to watch tonight when... a phone call. From Lisa's phone. It was Johnnie actually. He had forgotten Fuzzy! Damn. At first I tried to talk him into trying to go to sleep without him. But then he started to cry and said he was going to miss him. Damn. OF COURSE I had to get up off my ass and take him there. What a dirty trick for Lisa to let him call me like that. I will never be able to resist it when he cries.  So there I am in the pic in the elevator of my unit, Fuzzy in hand. I dropped him off and went right home. And then just basically lulled myself to sleep on the couch, comforted by my own perception that yesterday I might not have been such a good dad. But tonight and today I was. I most certainly was.

No Way Am I Perfect

As much as I wrote about thinking about Johnnie my son while watching episodes of shows dealing with Fathers and sons or as in Raya and the last Dragon, Fathers and daughters, I still do give in to my emotional impulses now and again. No bigger example than today. So by now I think the best thing about staying at home for the past year is that i get to watch Johnnie grow literally first hand, I get to see what he learns in school, I get to see how he participates with his teachers and his peers, and I get to see all sides of him both good and bad. This as LAUSD prepares to return to school possibly in a month. I never saw how he reacted with his classmates on the playground or in class. It's not the same on Zoom I know but still I get to see something. I get to see after school that he has grown into a bit of a jokester, always in play mode, always goofing around. And he no longer hesitates to engage me in physical horseplay where he always goes full out 1000%. That is what I now have to focus on teaching him, is to learn control and to learn to pump the brakes some and when to do just that. Otherwise, he just might hurt some other kid he plays so hard. No longer do I fear his size, his heart more than makes up for that. And sometimes, not a lot of the time, but once in a while, he does tend to lose focus. I have to remind myself he's 6 years old and a 6 year old's attention span. They say the general guideline is #minutes by age, meaning if he's 6 then he should only be able to focus for 6 minutes at a time.  And to accept that he will get distracted. That's something I forgot today when we were driving home from getting dinner. The dog was sitting on his lap and got to trying to bite on her own collar, and so the collar got stuck on his teeth and pretty soon I was hearing yelping from the back seat. The dog was starting to panic, and so was Johnnie. And so I started to panic. We were already just a few blocks from home but I still stopped because I didn't want the dog to suffer, no matter how small. And it took me a little while to get the collar removed from his mouth. When I got done I made it a point to let Johnnie know exactly how mad I was. I kept telling him it was his responsibility and how simple a job it was to simply make sure the dog wasn't doing something strange like what it was that she did. And so Johnnie started stammering about how sorry he was. And within a minute, he started to cry. Yep, I made Johnnie cry. Did I need to do that? Absolutely not. How can you teach a lesson to a child after you've bullied him? Fortuantely for me, the mere sight of Johnnie crying always rips my heart open too. And I always get reminded that I had shifted into asshole mode. And so I realized that it was me that had gotten out of control. And i had to sit down with Johnnie to let him know exactly why I had gotten so mad. I wasn't so much mad at Johnnie as I was frustrated that the dog was suffering needlessly. I did NOT want to give JOhnnie the slightest indication that the dog was more important than he was, but that's exactly what I did didn't I? And so I made sure he understood that I wasn't disappointed or mad and that I was simply afraid for the dog. I think he got it. He was back to his usual self in minutes after that. All of that took away what turned out to be a pretty good day actually. It rained a lot last night and the dog was scared of all the noise and it was a different experience trying to get him to poop and pee in the wet mulch outside my front door area. Still we managed... AND we managed to give her a bath tonight too. By then Johnnie wanted to be in charge of that and for once the dog wasn't resisting us as much in the tub. She smelled really good afterwards. Finally I can have her sleeping near the bed without fear she would soil everything and without her stinking as well. So at least we got that done and hopefully that activity cancelled the other stuff with the dog. I just have to learn to be patient with Johnnie most of all. And right now he's just a normal, happy 6 year old child... unless Lisa and I fuck it up. And that I can't have. No way no how.

Appreciating Tuesday

Quote of the day: We don't see things the way they are, we see things the way WE are. Another A-HA truth-ism. Even with the dog and Johnnie back in my bed as I woke up this morning, I still got in some pretty good meditation and in fact, remembered something from this weekend in one of the many YouTube videos that I watched that could help with my manifesting. I remember a Joe Dispenza video talking about FOCUS but if you can also add an element of URGENCY so that it has to happen right now, that is when the Universal tumblers click and make things happen FAST. And I found myself thinking that there is a certain comfort level that is making things "good enough" for me. I have no desire to go back to that point where I got let go at USC Dental School albeit not for a few months, or when I got laid off at USC Stevens, albeit I found another job almost immediately. I do remember trying to do online trading when I was let go at USC Dental School, but I was also more focused on the start of a budding relationship with Lisa than the online trading. After all, I was sitting on at least 2 months of income. And as it were, only when Lisa got a job did I kick start my own process of finding a regular source of income too. And so it would seem that FINANCIAL SECURITY is what I desired the most and I had it then. And so all I have to focus on is whatever I need to do to replace my QueensCare income and be financially secure.  OK maybe shoot for even more than that is ok right? And so I had a pretty good foundation for the day even though I knew that as soon as I took the dog out for her morning poop-and-pee session outside, I had already morphed into Tuesday routine. It was still a nice, though windy day out and I also knew rain was coming at some point this week, possibly by tomorrow.  I appreciated playing single dad throwing McDonald's breakfast on for Johnnie, logging him in to his morning school sessions. And because of the early morning meditation session I knew that despite the regular work stuff, the Johnnie school stuff, the dog stuff, I took comfort that I was still doing very ok. Look at the pic I posted of Johnnie reading "the Pigeon needs a Bath" on my computer. That look on his face? The hand on my shoulder? Priceless. 

I also realized that I benefitted today from sleeping more than 6 hours for the first time in a few days, which meant that I was far less likely to be irritated and affected by the day-to-day stuff that is really not as important as I make it out to be. That would be, after all, the key to maintaining a proper mental diet isn't it. If everything is ME pushed out, wouldn't it make sense that I could also push out as much positive stuff as I can? That just the pleasure of listening to Johnnie squeal with laughter as I tickle him is something I can focus on and push out as well? Or appreciating the sound of the dogs paws scurrying towards me from the living room trying to escape Johnnie's teasing attempts. <Note: He really IS picking up on the karate stuff... his kicks have started to feel far less harmless> I thought about driving us to Panda Express Marina del Rey tonight just like I used to a couple of years ago when Johnnie was still at Blue Oak. I looked back at last year's pictures from March and this was the week it was raining and Johnnie played in the Mar Vista playground with his rain boots and with puddles all around. Who KNEW that would be the last time he would be playing there in more than a year! Still it was encouraging to watch him interact with his classmates on Zoom albeit online. And I fully appreciate Lisa's efforts to further socialize him with a couple of kids from the neighborhood (Simon and Rose). Still, all the horseplay on my couch? All the goofy stuff Johnnie does with me? Priceless. And no matter what is going on at work, I know what matters most and I know I am competent and I provide massive value and that is what I hang my hat on every day. There is a lot of stuff I miss of course, hey I'm not perfect. But if there is something that comes to my attention that needs fixing, I usually do fix it. And fix it quickly. Now to translate all that energy into other stuff. I didn't really have time to do much today even though I knew full well there is a boatload of stuff I needed to get to, even the personal stuff. There's taxes that needs to get done. That's got to be high up on the list right? Anyway for some reason I felt ready to go to bed by 9 PM again tonight. I don't know what got me so tired all day. Maybe... oh, taking care of Johnnie and the dog? Getting to 11,000 steps by 8 PM AND doing some leg exercises along the way? Or maybe it's just the lack of sleep over the weekend still catching up with me. In any case, there wasn't a big urge to talk Johnnie into an early night. He was complaining of drinking his protein milk too fast and his stomach needed to "rest" he said. All good with me. We're all of us in bed by 9:15.