Something Bugging

Maybe it was because I had hung out with Sharon and Varsha last night and saying goodbye for a while. Maybe it was seeing Dr Deutsch on Monday. It felt like I was in an emotional mood still today. Sentimental even. Even Lisa brought up the time we got stuck in Santorini 5 years ago. Certainly this time of year during that time would be the time we would take off on vacations, even though Johnnie was barely a toddler. And Facebook is very good at reminding. Memories from 5 years ago this time. 6 years ago this time. Paris. Rome. Athens. Santorini. Of course for me the most recent gig memory was moving out of the Maplewood house almost 3 years to the day this week. That too was sentimental and emotional. And here I am 3 years later and I am comfortable again. Sticking to routines as much as I can even in the middle of the pandemic and now when we're about to curve out of it. I focused on the gratitude of that and how I was able to get out of a bad situation pretty nicely I think. But to be clear there are no sentimental thoughts about Lisa. We are co-parents to Johnnie. And THAT is where it stops. With all those emotions swirling, I was also able to focus on the outcomes that I want. I keep thinking I get going and then something gets derailed. Like I get pulled back into the lane that I was. And I know I am doing the pulling. At least my other-than conscious SELF and so that is what I have to work on. Even the act of consolidating my money together in E*Trade so I can start growing my assets has me feeling a little bit of fear. And I recognize the fear. It's the FEAR OF LOSS, of losing what I have. Fear of going back to that timeframe in 1993 when I was living in Karl's den. How bad was that?! But that is thinking in the past I know. I need to CLEAN and CLEAR that up. I need to trust my Higher Self. Some other stuff came up today. Some other yukky thoughts and emotions. That would be right after the Compliance meeting. In that meeting an item was brought up - some IS Analysis which is I guess some kind of audit about IS Operations. Eloisa framed it like if one of you - in this case ME - gets hit by a bus, how do we do Business Continuity? And then the other one was the 4 or so contracts that I let expire. Big ones too. I guess what I felt was like I got the perception I was being judged that I'm not doing a good job. Which is simply my EGO feeling like it is being under some kind of attack of some sorts. Sigh. Which plays into my fundamental psychic wound of feeling taken for granted. Double Sigh. Boy the Universe sure is testing me isn't it? Simply more stuff to clean, clear, and release. Anyway I acknowledged the yuk feelings and I realized they were projected thoughts in the future anyway. After all, aren't I already entertaining thoughts of retiring by the end of this year? Don't I have enough to live on for an entire year already? So who cares about all of that with THIS job? All I can do is keep creating value. And that is what I will do. Whatever happens happens.

In the meantime, this week is quickly counting down to Friday which is the day Lisa and Johnnie leave for Hawaii. That too is making me feel sentimental. I picked up Johnnie and had the thought that we're almost done with summer camp. After tomorrow, there's the week before school starts. And to be sure it has been a really good camp so far. When I picked him up today he had a wooden toy airplane they had made. And they had a wooden robot they made too. How cool is THAT?! Kind of like those Home Depot workshops LOL. When we got home I stuck pretty close to Wednesday routine. Johnnie eating lunch then drawing while watching Wild Kratts then asking to eat again. I KNOW he doesn't do that at Lisa's house. Hence the joke that he has a hole in his stomach here in my apartment LOL. And then it's Panda Express night of course and I noted we actually hadn't been to Panda Express all week. But this is such a different week isn't it? The night continued with Claire bath night and it's clear she has grown quite a bit since the last couple of months. She's now like a walking rug and it takes a while for her to dry off. But she smelled so nice after the bath. And then of course it wouldn't be bedtime unless I carry Johnnie on my shoulders to the bathroom. I've been doing that every night haven't I? Yes I took a video. Yes I did it to load up Johnnie moments in case I miss him in the next 3 weeks. Just a softie I am aren't I...