A Burst Of Work

And so I woke up this morning and right away realized that this is the first Tuesday in a really long time that I am not driving to McDonald's first thing to get Johnnie his first breakfast. Yes Lisa and I made peace last night and then I know they will be at Coronado for the first part of this week, rain be damned. And it was already raining first thing this morning. It's going to be like that for most of the week I'm afraid. But that's ok... since I knew I am still working this week. Although it felt like a chunk of the office isn't even around, I still had all these things to finish up and do. Things to sign off on. Contracts and what not. I mean it is the end of the year coming up at the end of the week. Anyway, I did have plenty of stuff around the house to remind me of Johnnie, starting with his latest drawing that he posted on the wall. I was even looking through my YouTube Library to start cleaning it out and of course I would run into a couple of Johnnie just laughing. I remember thinking when I recorded them I did it exactly for days like this when he's not around and I wanted to think of him. That laugh of his makes me laugh. It made me laugh a lot this morning. And then I got to work. The thing was that I pretty much stayed in my pajamas for the bulk of the day. Didn't shower or anything, just waited until I was absolutely hungry before I even made myself something to eat for breakfast. And so with a late breakfast came a late lunch and I had all kinds of food leftover anyway. All that to say I never left the house for most of the day. Even when I was doing steps. I was perfectly happy doing it while watching something on TV. I realize I had a lot of reconciling to do in terms of evaluating the year, in terms of evaluating my finances. I mean after all, in another reality, I was supposed to have retired by Friday, living off dividends off of $1M in my IRA. But I'm not because of a tiny bit of uncertainty that crept into my head about the stock market. Even though we're in the middle of a Santa rally such as it were. I keep reminding myself that if worse came to worse, I have plenty of cash to live on for at least a year. That isn't something a lot of Americans can say right about now and so I am feeling good positive vibes about that.  And so by the time I ventured out, the sun was already going down (see pic). And it was already the end of the work day at 4:30 in the afternoon. It wasn't raining anymore. The sky was actually pretty. But it was cold. And I decided to venture out to a new place for dinner. It was a Chinese place called New Flavors which was off Centinela and Washington. I must have driven by this place all the time when I picked up Johnnie 4 years ago from Carmen's daycare. I chose to come here to pick up something I hadn't had since we were still living in Westwood. I remembered I used to enjoy shrimp egg foo young all the time from First Szechuan a mere steps from our penthouse apartment. Something about the memory of that food made me time travel back to Westwood. That place was one of my Happy Places. Johnnie was very much remembered there every time we came and I would sit in just so he could have face time with the servers. I didn't have the same expectations with this new place. After all I'm only picking up takeout. I was just hoping for some pretty good egg foo young. I posted a pic. As it were, it wasn't bad. It wasn't as good as the one from First Szechuan. But it was good enough. After what has it been... 5+ years? I immediately had a memory of those old flavors and all those times I would order this for takeout for myself. Tonight, this would be the play of the day. And helped make this Johnnie-less Tuesday tolerable. And best yet, I had plenty of food - so much food there would be enough for lunch tomorrow. Short work week halfway over.

Exhale...Forgive...Exhale

I woke up this morning maybe not 100% ready for the work week, but then again it IS a short week after all isn't it? And my calendar IS pretty much empty isn't it? How rare is that? It will be a light week to be sure. But first I must move through the emotional "heaviness" and baggage of this past weekend. I was ready to move on. And fortunately for me I came across a video that helped me do just that.  It was a simple video that focused on raising one's vibration over action. And while listening to that video I actually settled back, closed my eyes, and relaxed. And got myself in state. As in I was in alpha or theta and I started to mentally forgive everything. Starting with the events of the past weekend. And all the other events that had bubbled to the surface and came to my attention because they all had negative vibrations. And when I forgave, I let them go. And gave myself permission for different outcomes and different emotions. And slowly I could feel my vibration rise. And then I remembered the whole narcissist stuff too. It's not like I am giving power to Lisa's negative reactions, more like giving power for me to let that stuff go by as if I'm sitting on a surfboard, letting a might wave simply pass me by. Because I can let it do so. And while I remain calm. And I remain safe. And I remain at peace. Totally made my morning. And when I went outside to start my morning "walk", it was nice and sunny. Still a bit cold, but as long as it wasn't raining, I didn't care. I was curious to see how I'd be able to pull my usual 100+ active minutes since I had a hard time even cracking 70 with the new Fitbit during the last part of last week. And it felt like I worked harder too. This morning though, it seemed easy. I got to the usual 5000 steps well before 9:30 AM. And since it actually gave me credit for 2 minutes instead of 1 every time my HR cranked past 125 bpm, I was well over 40 active minutes. Maybe it won't be as hard as I thought. And to cut this part of the story short, I finished the evening at 11,000+ steps AND 122 active minutes! This is the last Monday of 2021. So I assured myself of keeping up that particularly streak at least through this week. YES!

VERY EASILY the best part of today though, was that Lisa called. She was already on the way to San Diego as she and Johnnie are spending the next couple of days at Hotel del Coronado with Feifei and her kids. It is GREAT that Johnnie gets to spend some time with his biological brothers. It more than makes up for he and I not seeing each other on Christmas Day.  It was already raining. Yes, raining. Never mind the nice of picture of my street from this morning. The sun didn't last through the afternoon. So Lisa gushed with probably the biggest apology I've ever hear her utter, at least to me.  It was more than enough. All I wanted was that she acknowledged that she messed up, that she owned it and apologized for it. Of course I forgave her. I already did from this morning's meditation. And we were able to have a conversation. I know she was remorseful. Which is hard for her to do. I mean  if you cared for someone for real, you would be feel that kind of remorse. And so I was satisfied that she got there.  Talking to her even for just about 10 minutes or so felt light and positive and afterwards I may have been half amazed at how great the exercise from this morning turned out. It really is all about raising your own vibration. It really is all about TRUSTING THE UNIVERSE and KNOWING WITHOUT A DOUBT THAT YOU ARE SAFE and that everything you might even feel like worrying about, is already taken care of.  How cool is that! I spent the rest of the evening basically just chillin'. I mean usually I'd pick up Johnnie. But this is also a good opportunity to reset for the end of the year. For me.  And I have the next couple of days to do just that...

What is Sunday Without Golf

When I went to bed last night it was raining cats and dogs. But I did look ahead to today's weather forecast and it was supposed to be a nice, sunny day. So I wasn't concerned. What we do know is that with all the rain all week, the golf course was going to be soppy wet. Still going to go out and play. I didn't really have any doubt Scott was going to be there since his main plan was to maximize his points for the remainder of the year. We would find out later on that the points system is going away at the end of 2021, which is a week away. Still we still had today. To cut a long story short, I didn't really focus on my game today, just making sure my newly discovered 50-degree angle swing from the fairway was put into use. That it was as I can say I hit at least 4 great shots from the fairway that travelled well over 150 yards and bailed me out of some goofy shots from the tee. Which is to say i didn't really have my usual blasts from the tee today. But all in all, I would say I had pretty good shots on most holes. Hole 1, were I missed my usual par but did get a bogey. Probably because my bump and run from 50 yards out went well past the hole on my 3rd shot. Couldn't really blame the wet grass for that one. On the next hole I was again within 40 yards right in front of the hole after my 2nd shot. And proceeded to score a 7. 5 shots from right in front. Sigh. The third hole was really the only hole where I just tanked it. One of these days I'm actually going to shoot well on this nice short hole. Hole 4 same thing. I'm on the green in 3, missed the par putt, settled for a bogey. Hole 5 was my best tee shot and landed again 50 yards from the hole right in front. But this time, my bump and run got stopped dead on really wet grass. And ended up with another bogey 4. Hole 6 I was pin level on the fringe after 3 shots with one of those said rocket shots from the fairway. But scored a 6. Hole 7... another rocket shot from the fairway. But missed my par putt for another bogey. Hole 8 was just ok. Got a 5. Hole 9 produced my best fairway shot yet after 2 whiffs. I blasted my 3-wood 200 yards right in front of the green from way way back. So really on 7 out of 9 holes I produced good shots that put me in range right in front of the tee. Now to master it from there... 

But hey I did play, I didn't play too badly though today produced no pars on a course where we should get at least 3 pars every time. I went and got Crimson salmon kabobs for lunch which I hadn't done in more than a month. And finally I started to decompress on Lisa's latest blowup without the negative shit that I had to process yesterday. The South Park cartoon said it all. If everything is me pushed out, and Lisa was once again playing the victim card, that means it is ME that is creating that by pushing out my own victim agenda. Lisa was merely an actor in my play. And so that is what I must strive to release, is the victim programming. That I am under-appreciated, ignored, and I needed attention. I don't need any drama to remind me of my own self-worth now do I? And so it was that my own anger drama turned from a full 10 out of 10 yesterday after I processed it, to pretty neutral tonight. Which is pretty good. I don't need any drama of my own making. And it is up to me to let it go. In the meantime, it is Sunday, the end of the long weekend and I actually have stuff to do. Routine stuff. I didn't do any shopping yesterday since I stayed in all day so guess when I had to do the Ralphs-Trader Joe's-Whole Foods errand? Tonight. I bought myself some turkey from Ralphs and finally I did the turkey-stuffing-mashed potatoes Christmas dinner a day later LOL. It was pretty good too. I spent the afternoon watching the Rams clinch their play-off berth so we will get to watch at least one game past the first week of January. Can we see them in the Super Bowl? Why not? I also started to watch the Wheel of Time on Amazon Prime. What is it with these period pieces like that and the Witcher from the times of horses and bows-and-arrows that I get attracted to? I ended up watching until almost 1 AM! Oh well, long weekend over. Last week of 2021 coming up...

Home Alone Christmas Day

Ah Christmas Day.  When some folks are with their families, opening Christmas presents first thing in the morning, particularly the kids, maybe having leftover ham from last night's Christmas Eve dinner like I'm sure MY family in San Diego is doing, I'm not doing any of those. My only thought this morning was that I am going to spend the day recovering emotionally from Lisa's shit antics yesterday. Which meant of course that I am staying as far away from her as possible today. It also meant that I was not going to go to the Elam's for Christmas.  I was going to let Lisa explain my absence. Until I got a call and a text from Diana making sure I was coming. Either Lisa hadn't told them yet, or she probably said she didn't know if I was coming and couldn't reach me. She did try to call me on both my phones and I simply did not pick up. I had no intention of talking to her today. The risk of me doing the same thing and blowing up right back at her was way too great. You see, I was very calm yesterday and I was very proud of myself for that. But I was not too sure that I was not repressing my own anger, which was the more natural reaction and I really want to make sure I express that in some way. In a healthy way. I guess that is what this journal is for. So here goes... WHAT THE FUCK WAS SHE THINKING. SHE IS SUCH A FUCKING BITCH! HOW DARE SHE DO THAT IN FRONT OF MY SON! WE ARE DIVORCED YOU FUCKING BITCH! I DO NOT HAVE TO DO ANYTHING YOU SAY! IF I DON'T WANT TO EAT THE SHIT FOOD YOU EAT, I AM NOT GOING TO. YOU GOT THAT?! YOU BETTER FUCKING APOLOGIZE TO ME OR I AM GOING TO MAKE SURE YOU NEVER DO THAT TO ME AGAIN. NOT IN FRONT OF MY SON. Whew.  HEY writing all that actually does make me feel better! So since it didn't appear like she was going to tell Diana what was going on. I decided that I would do it. I texted her to let her know I wasn't coming and why.  Within 15 minutes both she and Courtney texted me back saying they understood.  Courtney should understand since she has also been in Lisa's crosshairs since she started staying at her house.  Now that I think about it, who hasn't been in Lisa's crosshairs? I bet those people didn't get screamed at the way Lisa screamed at me though. I simply cannot allow that behavior to continue.

But for today, I was satisfied simply steering clear. And spending Christmas alone. I need today to heal. Now I'm glad I bought some food. Since everything is closed today, at least I have some food to make myself for tonight. I actually cooked up the chicken breasts I bought a couple of days ago. And then made myself some of that stuffing everyone likes that I make. Ahhh, I ended up having a pretty decent christmas dinner for myself. So much so I had to post the pic. I immersed myself in emotional healing frequencies. I'm not sure I am ready to let go 100% just yet. Since that is what emotional healing is about. But I can at least start with that process. Part of it is also to determine what, if anything, message or lesson the Universe was trying to get me to focus on.  if everything is me pushed out, then was there a part of me that needed to rage about something? Is that what manifested Lisa's rage? Or was it just a memory playing itself over and over like the ghosts of Christmas past, in this case Lisa's? Was there some part of me that wanted to see drama? All valid questions and I contemplated each in my own quiet. If I didn't know what I needed to learn, I did know what I didn't want to do, which is to let it distract me and let myself get sucked into the drama. I simply need to say NO, Uh-UH. NOT FOR ME. THANK YOU NO. And I need to focus on what I want. Which is more harmony, more peace, more joy, more love.  And with that I parked myself on the couch for most of the day, only getting up to get my steps done. And I want to note that I finished 10,000+ steps today DESPITE parking myself on the couch for most of the day. I even got 60 active minutes in.  How about THAT! And I did enjoy my chicken breasts for dinner. And watched movie and video after movie and video. And watched the Lakers ALMOST pull it out on a Christmas day tilt with the NETS. Game tied at 115 with 45 seconds to go. But they couldn't get a stop. And that was that. Oh well... And I never even got to the new Spiderman movie which I had on the ready.  Of course I had to watch George Bailey and It's A Wonderful Life didn't I? And I had to watch a Christmas Carol, though it was the dark version from 2019. Yes I spent Christmas Day alone this year and sadly I will remember it attached to the events of yesterday's Christmas Eve. But at the end of the evening, I felt much better about it. And I knew that I had started to heal. Awesome.

Christmas Eve in San Diego

With Lisa's episode, I then texted Grace to see what they were doing. And I immediately asked if I could come tonight for Christmas Eve. Plans for the Elams tomorrow? That is done. For me at least. I have no intention of being anywhere near Lisa. Even if it means I don't get to see Johnnie for Christmas. Fucking psycho. I took a shower and by 3 PM was on my way to San Diego. Obviously I spent the drive trying to clear my head, although I was actually surprised at how calm I was and how relatively well I handled it. I didn't do anything physical, and I wasn't even really bruised emotionally like I used to be. She had not done that since... oh one of those pick-up Thursdays LOL LOL when she was on overwhelm because of something in her office. There's always something. If it was just that I think i would have just shrugged it off as Lisa being Lisa. But like that Thursday night when Johnnie started crying, what makes me angry is that she did it in front of Johnnie. And there is no telling what kind of emotional programming she created by doing that. I mean she herself got fucked up by her own dad. I'm not saying I am not either. But anyone who knows their family history should not see this behavior of hers as a surprise. The surprise was how long I put up with it. At least I have better ways of dealing with it now, and specifically because I do not have to be around her at all should I choose. The only thing that prevents me from avoiding her 100% is not seeing Johnnie. And I do not want that. I put on a Ho'onoponopono track on the drive south and by Oceanside, I was actually feeling calm. So much so I made a stop and took a picture of the sunset on Surfrider Ave. It was a beautiful sunset. By the time I made it to Grace's house it was already 5:30 PM and it had started to rain. But I didn't care. I was actually one of the first ones there. Lisa had a friend of hers join them. My mom was already there and making remarks about how she was wondering if she actually did have a second son LOL LOL. And then the Cortez's came. It's funny how I haven't made it to one of these gatherings for the last few years. I prioritized Lisa's plans whatever they were. Tonight, there was a lot of food, lots of Swedish fare too. It was nice to see the Cortez's who i hadn't seen in years as well. And of course Maia and Alex was there. And Kianna came too after she got off work at 8 PM. She was working as a hostess/server at a convalescent home. Gee sounded familiar to my high school work years LOL. It was nice to talk about old stuff. Memories that only we have, shared from a common history. That too is part of being family. And so I had dinner, hung out and acted as if nothing was wrong. And then at 9 PM I drove home. It was raining, but I made it home safely. No one had any idea that I was actually hurting a bit inside. And that was ok. Hanging out with my family was EXACTLY what I needed. And made me feel 1000% better. I silently apologized to my fam and sent them gratitude energy. I'm sorry it took Lisa's idiotic antics to bring me there tonight. Remember I had no plans to do so. But I'm glad I did. I was so happy to be with everyone there.

Lisa's Major Blow-Up. Again.

I should have seen the signs coming as early as Monday. That's when what should have been a nice sit down family dinner between mom, dad, and son since Lisa didn't get to spend any time that day with Johnnie turned from that positive thought into something else. Lisa's stomach didn't agree with the beef brocollini dish I made with soy sauce. I mean I thought that was bland enough. But not so said Lisa.  And so I walked off feeling disappointed that she didn't end up liking it. Or that it didn't agree with her stomach. I remember thinking well maybe next time we'll make it even more bland. But what the heck am I going to eat? This morning we were supposed to hang out again as a family before they took off for the Kederian Christmas Eve dinner. I hadn't talked to my own family so I had no idea what I was going to do later. Maybe watch the Spiderman movie was on my mind. But at least I'd get to have breakfast and see Johnnie for the bulk of today and that was good enough for me. So I went over there, we did have breakfast <some bread cake one of Lisa's patients gave her> and that was perfectly fine. I thought I'd be eating a lot for dinner so no big deal if I don't eat so much. We had a perfectly nice game of dominoes after breakfast too. With a nice colorful set given to Lisa as a present we decided to teach Johnnie the game right then and there. And we had a perfectly nice time. So... what... the... fuck... happened? First Lisa gets a phone call from her dad about her needing to be somewhere <bad memory #1 ... Christmas time 2007 we were having dinner in Santa Monica and Lisa got a call from her dad telling her she needed to be somewhere. Boy that set her off emotionally that time>. She half-complained about it but I didn't think much of it. Then she went to the bathroom and apparently felt pain doing so. And THAT set her off even more as she is now in her "I'm sick" mode and I could tell it was really bugging her. At this time I had suggested we go get sushi since I am now totally confused about what she could or couldn't eat. I was happy to wait and see what they would decide since I'd be taking off right after anyway. And then Lisa decided she wanted to make lunch in the house. She had no food in the refridgerator. She had leftover zucchini and onions from Monday. Maybe I should have just ate a little of that and then eat after leaving which I do on occasion anyway. Instead, I made the comment that it's ok I didn't need to eat, she could simply eat whatever was good for her. And I commented that I don't eat what she does. Which was a true statement in the sense that she usually eats bland food, and specifically after Monday and there wasn't anything in the fridge that I would eat normally. THAT SET HER OFF COMPLETELY. Next thing you knew, I saw an onion flying towards the living room. She was yelling incoherently and ran out of the kitchen, picking up Johnnie and setting him down out of the way in the process. She headed to the backyard. Johnnie started to cry. I could hear her yelling. I asked Johnnie if something got hit, he said that mommy stepped on his toe. I started rubbing it and told her it was ok. And then Lisa went back in and started yelling at me. I could see her standing over us while I had Johnnie on my lap on the couch, her eyes had that wild look. My reflexes wanted to protect Johnnie and I simply said PLEASE Lisa, go back outside and walk it off. I kept saying that. PLEASE Lisa. I wasn't yelling. I was imploring. And then she took Johnnie from me <bad memory: summer 2018 when Lisa and I had a fight with similar yelling and I kept Johnnie close to me and she kept trying to take him> All of a sudden a flood of bad memory hits me about August 2016 when we were moving and we had a fight in the living room. Same thing. Why does she always try to keep Johnnie close to her? All this time she kept on yelling and screaming about why I just couldn't go along. But that was it for me. I didn't respond. I didn't yell. I didn't do anything. I simply got up and walked away and drove home. I went to Ralphs to pick up lunch. Immediately I had another bad memory flashback of Christmas time when her mom got arrested because of she and her dad were attacking each other. Or the memory of 2016 when we had the big fight that precipitated her moving out of our bedroom. Or 2018 when she screamed at me over her employee bonuses. All. Very. Very. Sad. All i kept thinking was: I hope Johnnie is ok. Just like that Lisa just fucked up Christmas. 

Last Work Day Before Christmas

Today is the last day of the work week, last day before we all head off for the Christmas weekend. I'd like to be able to say I'd be tanking today but I actually wanted to make sure I had all my To-Do's done from Monday. Lo and behold I got 7 out of 8 done! Hey, maybe I CAN tank today. But not before I had a meeting with my IS Team first. That's because I got the good news that I was ok to keep Kennedy on as a part-time employee until such time that I could replace him with an FTE. And so I announced that to the team and then I had a de-brief with Kennedy afterwards. I am of the firm belief that people don't quit companies, they quit bosses. And I wanted to make sure I was not the primary reason he was leaving, or at least something that I did. I came to find out that he actually found it rough going in the beginning and was already looking to get out one month in. But he settled in 6 months later and actually started to like his job. Unfortunately he also felt pressure from his siblings who were making quite a bit more than he did. And so it did come down to the money and the opportunity to make more. Hey he's a young guy and so I don't blame him. Best to maximize your earning potential early. I felt consolation in that I did actually make him quite a bit more valuable in the 2+ years that he was with us. So I'll take that as a pat on my back. Hopefully I find another gem in this next go round. In the meantime, I was shocked to find after being on the phone for a good hour and a half that the mess that Johnnie had saved from last night and this morning was actually completely cleaned up! As in he cleared everything in that picture! I wanted to give him a reward but I couldn't give him much because it was raining outside. And raining pretty hard. 

The best that I could do was follow through with my promise yesterday that I would teach him how to play catch today. And that would have to be indoors wouldn't it? First I had to get him lunch, once again at Jack-in-the-Box Pico Blvd but this time going through the drive through. And there was no one in line. MUCH better experience than Tuesday obviously. And then after lunch we did play catch. Indoors. I was worried because he didn't really look like he got the hang of using the mitt the first time we tried yesterday. And so I had him learn how to catch bare hand at first. And THEN he caught on. As in he caught everything. Well, most everything as evidenced by the gif I posted. Who knew he would catch left and throw right since he was a natural left hander. Anyway at least that took up a chunk of the afternoon. And by then I pronounced myself done for the work day anyway. Which meant I had officially started my long weekend LOL. Now all we had left to do was the pick-up tonight by Lisa. Should I wait for her to call? Or should I take Johnnie to Lisa's house give him a shower and put him to bed? When Lisa called it was already well past 8 PM. But she didn't sound overwhelmed. And so I let her pick him up. By this time it had started to rain really REALLY hard. Fortunately, I had the downstairs garage to point her to so no one got wet. I still hadn't finished my steps at this point and the new Fitbit meant it actually counted active minutes when my heart rate went above 110 bpm. And so I have to work harder it feels. And that's ok. I also hadn't really had dinner yet. I mean I gave Johnnie his chicken noodle penne. BUt I hadn't made anything for myself. Which meant I had to venture out in the rain to get some food. I needed to anyway. Who knows what's going to happen this Christmas weekend. I better have some food in the house just in case. So I went to the store, and got properly drenched. I found it odd that I have no less than THREE waterproof shoes and I still chose to go out with my torn up Tom's. OF COURSe they would get soaked. As did my paints as it started to rain so hard, it was going sideways. Even a short trip to Ralphs got me really really wet. I still went to Taco Bell to pick up food. For some reason I felt like eating junk tonight. That's ok. I should eat healthy the rest of the week right? LEt Christmas weekend begin...