How was 2021?

When I think of the year 2021, I immediately think about how it got much safer with a pandemic on because we finally had a vaccine against coronavirus and I took mine the week it was available in January. There was hope that if everyone took it, we'd have herd immunity by summer. Everyone did not take it. And we did not reach herd immunity by summer. Far from it in fact. As the vaccine simply became yet another reason to disagree as a country. At least in-person schooling came back in April for Johnnie's Kindergarten glass, and then again in the Fall for 1st grade. And we parents started to get used to lining up to get kids into the entry gate and kids getting tested on a weekly basis. Summer of 2021 was the summer of Penmar Camp for Johnnie and then off they (Johnnie and Lisa) went to Hawaii for 3 weeks. I ended up watching the dog Claire, which was also one of the new things that happened in 2021... Lisa got a dog. Oh and by July, Greg had retired and moved to Arizona so effectively it was just Scott and I left to play golf on Sundays by the last part of the year. But at least I did keep on playing. On the work-front, it was a pretty quiet 2021, although I did end up speaking about cybersecurity in no less than 3 events, including a national event in Las Vegas. I did end up picking up another department to run <the EHR Support team> and by year end, that was my job: to run 3 departments all interconnected with I.T. 

As far as what I wanted to manifest in 2021, I wanted to manifest financial freedom and to be retired from my job by the end of the year. I believe I had enough in my 401K to retire on but I did not create enough certainty about how much was enough and so retirement didn't happen. I did manage to increase my 401K savings from $720,000 in 2020 to $842,000 in 2021. With additional cash in the bank enough for me to live on for at least a year, I was at approximately $920,000+ in net worth. 

All in all, other than increasing my net worth, I think I was a good dad to Johnnie, even while Lisa stayed true to her personality from when we were still married. I played golf on weekdays a few times, and I was pretty healthy all year. All in all a pretty good 2021. Here's to 2022 being even better.

End of 2021

So it is New Year's Eve today and I already got a nice present from Lisa letting Johnnie sleep over my apartment last night. And so it was a bit of a surprise to wake up with him sleeping soundly in the couch outside the bedroom.  Lisa did say to bring him back around lunchtime today. So we went and had our usual McDonald's breakfast, then I let him watch a bit of Wild Kratts, and then we went to Target Westwood, mainly to replace a lot of the ink pens he had for drawing that had already dried up. And I did a lot of my groceries done too. By the time we got done, it was already 11 AM and so I figured we could just stop at Panda Express Westwood on the way to pick up lunch for Johnnie. One thing he does do more of when he is with me is EAT.  And a lot of horseplay. Funny this morning Johnnie mentioned that his mom was looking for a man. And that "never mind about Dad" when he brought me up. I chuckled about that at first. But I will admit that thought stayed in my mind and kept coming up all throughout the day. I don't know why really. After all, we ARE divorced. She deserves to find a man who she can love and who can love her. We all deserve that don't we? I think what ended up sort of staying in the back of my mind wasn't that LIsa was with someone else. I am ALL FOR THAT. As I am all for me finding someone too. I think where I hesitate is that I still want to be Johnnie's dad to the degree that I am right now and maybe I felt some sort of anxiety about a man in Lisa's life taking over that role from me. Or at least changing the dynamic with Lisa, Johnnie, and I.  But hey, if she's looking for a man, I hope she finds one. And to keep it win-win, I hope I still get to have Johnnie for half the week or however much time I get to see him these days.  I reminded myself that if it is THAT which I want, then I am pretty sure it is an outcome I can manifest. And that the Universe will have my back.  I simply need to focus on being Johnnie's dad and being the best dad that I can be. 

I brought Johnnie back to LIsa's house at 12:30 just like we agreed. He had been fed already and he was actually ready to go back. When we got there Lisa was having a conversation with the gardener about replacing some of the trees, including the calamansi tree in the corner that has never brought fruit for whatever reason. I sort of kept it around as a sort of symbolic tie to my dad. But hey this isn't my house anymore is it. Better to replace it with a tree that WILL bear fruit. Yeah I'm sort of giving up on it. Johnnie started to play with the dog in the yard (see pic).  Anyway what I didn't know was that Lisa's mom was coming by and soon as she drove up with Johnny and her dogs, I realized it was time for me to go too. I did stick around long enough to at least say hi to her. And then back home I went. I figured I'd do my usual year-end stuff I usually do, which is to say evaluate how the year went and maybe re-set for the coming year.  And then of course since it IS New Year's EVe after all, i went and got myself a nice piece of boneless rib-eye. I may not be going out tonight, I never really was big on New Year's Eve partying past midnight thing. But I could enjoy a nice steak, have some wine and watch retro movies. That is what I did last year.  Because of another surge in the Covid virus, this time with the omicron variant, New Year's Eve celebrations were supposed to be a little more subdued this year, just like last year. But last year none of us were vaccinated at this time. Different today. OK to go out. Still, I didn't hear much fireworks going off in my neck of the woods, and I didn't even watch the rest of the world wave 2021 off and enter in 2022. Symbolically, Johnnie and I already did. See the pic I posted? HAPPY NEW YEAR everyone!

Last Workday of 2021

So it started raining hard last night and it didn't seem to have stopped raining through today. Of course it HAS been raining off and on since before Christmas even. I know we here in SoCal need this rain and all, but this much this fast this long? The last time I remember it raining like this was about 4 years ago... and it was a La Nina year that year too. So today is the last work day of 2021 and I at least kept to script by having my team meetings as per usual. This being Kennedy's last day as a full time employee, I wanted to emphasize to my IT guys it won't be business as usual for a bit, not until I can replace him anyway. Because they tend to get complacent like that. I also wanted to emphasize to Kennedy that we do have expectations still and I hope he keeps working as he usually does. So I did my EHR Team meeting too and that one didn't even go a half hour. A good thing too because minutes after the meeting was over, my internet gave out. It just stopped working. I turned the router and modem on and off and still no go. You never expect the internet to go down, or maybe you just take it for granted because it is something you just expect to be on, just like electricity or something. But a call to Spectrum's tech folks confirmed it... my internet modem is dead. And I need to get a new one. And so I wolfed down those turkey quesadillas from Trader Joe's for lunch and headed to the Spectrum store. Yep, and it was still raining pretty hard. I thought they had a store in Santa Monica but I guess they don't anymore. I went to the one in Westchester by La Tijera. I waited about 15 minutes and then I got bored so I finally reached out to Lisa to see how they were doing. It was 2 PM. I hadn't heard from her since the apology on Monday. I was hoping to see Johnnie maybe for a little bit until they headed out to whatever she had planned for New Year's weekend. I left a VM since she didn't answer. Then i got my modem and went home, plugged it in and I got my internet back! Thank God! 

It didn't end there though as an hour later we would have a systemic Spectrum outage in the area. Great. Anyway, I got a text from Lisa asking if I wanted to come to dinner tonight. Of course I wanted to go. But I wasn't sure what Lisa wanted to eat. Remember the whole thing about food was how we got into a big fat mess last weekend to begin with. Johnnie asked for a churro though and so I told Lisa I was going to get him one at El Pollo Loco and if she wanted me to bring chicken from there. Seemed to be safe enough. If she didn't want to eat it she didn't have to. I was pretty sure like last Friday afternoon she wouldn't have anything to cook in her fridge. And so I brought a can of chicken noodle soup for Johnnie, all the veggies I had in my fridge - which wasn't much mind you and then went over to her house. All I wanted to do was see Johnnie. I got a lot more than I was expecting. Lisa was playing Minecraft legos with Johnnie one minute and then the next she was on a call that lasted for a while. And so I ended up making Johnnie his dinner <still chicken noodle soup> and with the churro, that was sufficient. I ate a couple of pieces of the chicken for myself, leaving Lisa with a piece. It was almost 8 PM and Lisa was still on her call. Johnnie was already done playing Minecraft so he ventured upstairs to see what his mom was doing. It was then that Lisa suggested that I take Johnnie to sleep over my apartment tonight. And to bring him back at noon tomorrow sort of like it was a Saturday thing. MUCH MORE THAN I expected! And so it was that I got Johnnie back in my house tonight. He immediately went for my fridge and started eating junk like he always does. I have to say when he went to bed, him breathing softly with a warm blanket around him on my sofa made me feel like everything was back to normal. Or back to usual such as it were. I mean it was THURSDAY night but I hadn't seen him all week. Thank you Lisa for letting him spend tonight with me. Thank you very much.

Felt Like A Tank Day

As the year winds down, I will admit to thinking since there are only a couple of days left in the week, I am DEFINITELY taking my foot off the gas for work. Not quite tanking mind you, I still have a couple of things to do, but the fact that I am focused on a special session during lunchtime that is completely not work related tell you where my head is at. That would be the Bengston Research special session for about 45 minutes, the purpose being <according to the man himself> to collect data points on recording the image cycling session. There were almost 300 participants on the call. So his premise was, what if not just one person is recording the image cycling, but 300 people simultaneously? How would that affect the energy. I must admit it was a pretty good premise. And I reminded myself that although I had paid for the weekend session, I barely made it through Day 1. One more of those programs I purchased but did not actually finish. Sometimes I do get frustrated at myself that I do not have the discipline <or is that the attention span??> to educate myself further. It's my impatience for results. And I realize that learning is not something you delegate. Not if you want to do things yourself. Anyway, I thought attending this session would at least move me in the right direction for continuing to learn what I need to in order to get the outcomes that I want. Short for saying, help me manifest better and more effectively. The thing about this image cycling method is that it is chill, seems to chill in fact. You just cycle images - which really becomes a memorization exercise - and then you manifest them? It does sound that simple. And after the session, it seemed even more simpler than that. The longer you sustain the cycling of the images, the quicker it comes. They talked about doing it in nature outside, and it was clear this group formed sort of a community of "healers". Which I myself wouldn't mind being a part of... once I get some proficiency in the practice. There is where that word comes in...Practice. THAT is the key.

So i did the image cycling session and it became clear to me quickly that I needed to work on my images. And that I could use NLP to enhance the efficacy. Make them bigger. Play with the images. That was my takeaway from the session. The more you make it like PLAY, the better the results. I sort of knew that already. Manifestation is not something you force. You pull outcomes towards you from an infinite number of possibilities. But the harder you "work" at it, the less effective it is. It's like the Universe doesn't want to play. Gotta work on that. In the meantime, it keeps on raining this week. It has gotten so bad, you hear about flooding all over the place. Huge trees falling on cars. Heck I can see flooding right outside my door just on the street. Let alone the pictures from stuff on the news. At least I kept buy doing steps. AND I did it while watching the Book of Boba Fett, the new offering from Disney Star Wars. I mean anything about STAR WARS is something I'm definitely interested in. I would have wished it was the new season of Mandalorian which I followed the last 2 years, but I guess this year it will do. As it was, it was just ok. I mean it's not like Boba Fett was a main character. I mean on Episode 9, he was swallowed up by the earth by some living monster. This tracks what happened to him and how he got to where he is. HIs story is interesting, and worth following since it is part of the star Wars arc. But I will be the first to admit I may not be as interested.  Still, it is something to follow from here on.  So I made myself some spaghetti for dinner, finished my 11,000+ steps and OBTW it seems a lot easier now to get zone minutes. Even easier than the older Fitbit. I do admit I miss Johnnie as I thought maybe Lisa would remember she thought about letting him spend the night with me tonight, but that's ok. I will check on them tomorrow.  One more work day left for 2021.

A Burst Of Work

And so I woke up this morning and right away realized that this is the first Tuesday in a really long time that I am not driving to McDonald's first thing to get Johnnie his first breakfast. Yes Lisa and I made peace last night and then I know they will be at Coronado for the first part of this week, rain be damned. And it was already raining first thing this morning. It's going to be like that for most of the week I'm afraid. But that's ok... since I knew I am still working this week. Although it felt like a chunk of the office isn't even around, I still had all these things to finish up and do. Things to sign off on. Contracts and what not. I mean it is the end of the year coming up at the end of the week. Anyway, I did have plenty of stuff around the house to remind me of Johnnie, starting with his latest drawing that he posted on the wall. I was even looking through my YouTube Library to start cleaning it out and of course I would run into a couple of Johnnie just laughing. I remember thinking when I recorded them I did it exactly for days like this when he's not around and I wanted to think of him. That laugh of his makes me laugh. It made me laugh a lot this morning. And then I got to work. The thing was that I pretty much stayed in my pajamas for the bulk of the day. Didn't shower or anything, just waited until I was absolutely hungry before I even made myself something to eat for breakfast. And so with a late breakfast came a late lunch and I had all kinds of food leftover anyway. All that to say I never left the house for most of the day. Even when I was doing steps. I was perfectly happy doing it while watching something on TV. I realize I had a lot of reconciling to do in terms of evaluating the year, in terms of evaluating my finances. I mean after all, in another reality, I was supposed to have retired by Friday, living off dividends off of $1M in my IRA. But I'm not because of a tiny bit of uncertainty that crept into my head about the stock market. Even though we're in the middle of a Santa rally such as it were. I keep reminding myself that if worse came to worse, I have plenty of cash to live on for at least a year. That isn't something a lot of Americans can say right about now and so I am feeling good positive vibes about that.  And so by the time I ventured out, the sun was already going down (see pic). And it was already the end of the work day at 4:30 in the afternoon. It wasn't raining anymore. The sky was actually pretty. But it was cold. And I decided to venture out to a new place for dinner. It was a Chinese place called New Flavors which was off Centinela and Washington. I must have driven by this place all the time when I picked up Johnnie 4 years ago from Carmen's daycare. I chose to come here to pick up something I hadn't had since we were still living in Westwood. I remembered I used to enjoy shrimp egg foo young all the time from First Szechuan a mere steps from our penthouse apartment. Something about the memory of that food made me time travel back to Westwood. That place was one of my Happy Places. Johnnie was very much remembered there every time we came and I would sit in just so he could have face time with the servers. I didn't have the same expectations with this new place. After all I'm only picking up takeout. I was just hoping for some pretty good egg foo young. I posted a pic. As it were, it wasn't bad. It wasn't as good as the one from First Szechuan. But it was good enough. After what has it been... 5+ years? I immediately had a memory of those old flavors and all those times I would order this for takeout for myself. Tonight, this would be the play of the day. And helped make this Johnnie-less Tuesday tolerable. And best yet, I had plenty of food - so much food there would be enough for lunch tomorrow. Short work week halfway over.

Exhale...Forgive...Exhale

I woke up this morning maybe not 100% ready for the work week, but then again it IS a short week after all isn't it? And my calendar IS pretty much empty isn't it? How rare is that? It will be a light week to be sure. But first I must move through the emotional "heaviness" and baggage of this past weekend. I was ready to move on. And fortunately for me I came across a video that helped me do just that.  It was a simple video that focused on raising one's vibration over action. And while listening to that video I actually settled back, closed my eyes, and relaxed. And got myself in state. As in I was in alpha or theta and I started to mentally forgive everything. Starting with the events of the past weekend. And all the other events that had bubbled to the surface and came to my attention because they all had negative vibrations. And when I forgave, I let them go. And gave myself permission for different outcomes and different emotions. And slowly I could feel my vibration rise. And then I remembered the whole narcissist stuff too. It's not like I am giving power to Lisa's negative reactions, more like giving power for me to let that stuff go by as if I'm sitting on a surfboard, letting a might wave simply pass me by. Because I can let it do so. And while I remain calm. And I remain safe. And I remain at peace. Totally made my morning. And when I went outside to start my morning "walk", it was nice and sunny. Still a bit cold, but as long as it wasn't raining, I didn't care. I was curious to see how I'd be able to pull my usual 100+ active minutes since I had a hard time even cracking 70 with the new Fitbit during the last part of last week. And it felt like I worked harder too. This morning though, it seemed easy. I got to the usual 5000 steps well before 9:30 AM. And since it actually gave me credit for 2 minutes instead of 1 every time my HR cranked past 125 bpm, I was well over 40 active minutes. Maybe it won't be as hard as I thought. And to cut this part of the story short, I finished the evening at 11,000+ steps AND 122 active minutes! This is the last Monday of 2021. So I assured myself of keeping up that particularly streak at least through this week. YES!

VERY EASILY the best part of today though, was that Lisa called. She was already on the way to San Diego as she and Johnnie are spending the next couple of days at Hotel del Coronado with Feifei and her kids. It is GREAT that Johnnie gets to spend some time with his biological brothers. It more than makes up for he and I not seeing each other on Christmas Day.  It was already raining. Yes, raining. Never mind the nice of picture of my street from this morning. The sun didn't last through the afternoon. So Lisa gushed with probably the biggest apology I've ever hear her utter, at least to me.  It was more than enough. All I wanted was that she acknowledged that she messed up, that she owned it and apologized for it. Of course I forgave her. I already did from this morning's meditation. And we were able to have a conversation. I know she was remorseful. Which is hard for her to do. I mean  if you cared for someone for real, you would be feel that kind of remorse. And so I was satisfied that she got there.  Talking to her even for just about 10 minutes or so felt light and positive and afterwards I may have been half amazed at how great the exercise from this morning turned out. It really is all about raising your own vibration. It really is all about TRUSTING THE UNIVERSE and KNOWING WITHOUT A DOUBT THAT YOU ARE SAFE and that everything you might even feel like worrying about, is already taken care of.  How cool is that! I spent the rest of the evening basically just chillin'. I mean usually I'd pick up Johnnie. But this is also a good opportunity to reset for the end of the year. For me.  And I have the next couple of days to do just that...

What is Sunday Without Golf

When I went to bed last night it was raining cats and dogs. But I did look ahead to today's weather forecast and it was supposed to be a nice, sunny day. So I wasn't concerned. What we do know is that with all the rain all week, the golf course was going to be soppy wet. Still going to go out and play. I didn't really have any doubt Scott was going to be there since his main plan was to maximize his points for the remainder of the year. We would find out later on that the points system is going away at the end of 2021, which is a week away. Still we still had today. To cut a long story short, I didn't really focus on my game today, just making sure my newly discovered 50-degree angle swing from the fairway was put into use. That it was as I can say I hit at least 4 great shots from the fairway that travelled well over 150 yards and bailed me out of some goofy shots from the tee. Which is to say i didn't really have my usual blasts from the tee today. But all in all, I would say I had pretty good shots on most holes. Hole 1, were I missed my usual par but did get a bogey. Probably because my bump and run from 50 yards out went well past the hole on my 3rd shot. Couldn't really blame the wet grass for that one. On the next hole I was again within 40 yards right in front of the hole after my 2nd shot. And proceeded to score a 7. 5 shots from right in front. Sigh. The third hole was really the only hole where I just tanked it. One of these days I'm actually going to shoot well on this nice short hole. Hole 4 same thing. I'm on the green in 3, missed the par putt, settled for a bogey. Hole 5 was my best tee shot and landed again 50 yards from the hole right in front. But this time, my bump and run got stopped dead on really wet grass. And ended up with another bogey 4. Hole 6 I was pin level on the fringe after 3 shots with one of those said rocket shots from the fairway. But scored a 6. Hole 7... another rocket shot from the fairway. But missed my par putt for another bogey. Hole 8 was just ok. Got a 5. Hole 9 produced my best fairway shot yet after 2 whiffs. I blasted my 3-wood 200 yards right in front of the green from way way back. So really on 7 out of 9 holes I produced good shots that put me in range right in front of the tee. Now to master it from there... 

But hey I did play, I didn't play too badly though today produced no pars on a course where we should get at least 3 pars every time. I went and got Crimson salmon kabobs for lunch which I hadn't done in more than a month. And finally I started to decompress on Lisa's latest blowup without the negative shit that I had to process yesterday. The South Park cartoon said it all. If everything is me pushed out, and Lisa was once again playing the victim card, that means it is ME that is creating that by pushing out my own victim agenda. Lisa was merely an actor in my play. And so that is what I must strive to release, is the victim programming. That I am under-appreciated, ignored, and I needed attention. I don't need any drama to remind me of my own self-worth now do I? And so it was that my own anger drama turned from a full 10 out of 10 yesterday after I processed it, to pretty neutral tonight. Which is pretty good. I don't need any drama of my own making. And it is up to me to let it go. In the meantime, it is Sunday, the end of the long weekend and I actually have stuff to do. Routine stuff. I didn't do any shopping yesterday since I stayed in all day so guess when I had to do the Ralphs-Trader Joe's-Whole Foods errand? Tonight. I bought myself some turkey from Ralphs and finally I did the turkey-stuffing-mashed potatoes Christmas dinner a day later LOL. It was pretty good too. I spent the afternoon watching the Rams clinch their play-off berth so we will get to watch at least one game past the first week of January. Can we see them in the Super Bowl? Why not? I also started to watch the Wheel of Time on Amazon Prime. What is it with these period pieces like that and the Witcher from the times of horses and bows-and-arrows that I get attracted to? I ended up watching until almost 1 AM! Oh well, long weekend over. Last week of 2021 coming up...

Home Alone Christmas Day

Ah Christmas Day.  When some folks are with their families, opening Christmas presents first thing in the morning, particularly the kids, maybe having leftover ham from last night's Christmas Eve dinner like I'm sure MY family in San Diego is doing, I'm not doing any of those. My only thought this morning was that I am going to spend the day recovering emotionally from Lisa's shit antics yesterday. Which meant of course that I am staying as far away from her as possible today. It also meant that I was not going to go to the Elam's for Christmas.  I was going to let Lisa explain my absence. Until I got a call and a text from Diana making sure I was coming. Either Lisa hadn't told them yet, or she probably said she didn't know if I was coming and couldn't reach me. She did try to call me on both my phones and I simply did not pick up. I had no intention of talking to her today. The risk of me doing the same thing and blowing up right back at her was way too great. You see, I was very calm yesterday and I was very proud of myself for that. But I was not too sure that I was not repressing my own anger, which was the more natural reaction and I really want to make sure I express that in some way. In a healthy way. I guess that is what this journal is for. So here goes... WHAT THE FUCK WAS SHE THINKING. SHE IS SUCH A FUCKING BITCH! HOW DARE SHE DO THAT IN FRONT OF MY SON! WE ARE DIVORCED YOU FUCKING BITCH! I DO NOT HAVE TO DO ANYTHING YOU SAY! IF I DON'T WANT TO EAT THE SHIT FOOD YOU EAT, I AM NOT GOING TO. YOU GOT THAT?! YOU BETTER FUCKING APOLOGIZE TO ME OR I AM GOING TO MAKE SURE YOU NEVER DO THAT TO ME AGAIN. NOT IN FRONT OF MY SON. Whew.  HEY writing all that actually does make me feel better! So since it didn't appear like she was going to tell Diana what was going on. I decided that I would do it. I texted her to let her know I wasn't coming and why.  Within 15 minutes both she and Courtney texted me back saying they understood.  Courtney should understand since she has also been in Lisa's crosshairs since she started staying at her house.  Now that I think about it, who hasn't been in Lisa's crosshairs? I bet those people didn't get screamed at the way Lisa screamed at me though. I simply cannot allow that behavior to continue.

But for today, I was satisfied simply steering clear. And spending Christmas alone. I need today to heal. Now I'm glad I bought some food. Since everything is closed today, at least I have some food to make myself for tonight. I actually cooked up the chicken breasts I bought a couple of days ago. And then made myself some of that stuffing everyone likes that I make. Ahhh, I ended up having a pretty decent christmas dinner for myself. So much so I had to post the pic. I immersed myself in emotional healing frequencies. I'm not sure I am ready to let go 100% just yet. Since that is what emotional healing is about. But I can at least start with that process. Part of it is also to determine what, if anything, message or lesson the Universe was trying to get me to focus on.  if everything is me pushed out, then was there a part of me that needed to rage about something? Is that what manifested Lisa's rage? Or was it just a memory playing itself over and over like the ghosts of Christmas past, in this case Lisa's? Was there some part of me that wanted to see drama? All valid questions and I contemplated each in my own quiet. If I didn't know what I needed to learn, I did know what I didn't want to do, which is to let it distract me and let myself get sucked into the drama. I simply need to say NO, Uh-UH. NOT FOR ME. THANK YOU NO. And I need to focus on what I want. Which is more harmony, more peace, more joy, more love.  And with that I parked myself on the couch for most of the day, only getting up to get my steps done. And I want to note that I finished 10,000+ steps today DESPITE parking myself on the couch for most of the day. I even got 60 active minutes in.  How about THAT! And I did enjoy my chicken breasts for dinner. And watched movie and video after movie and video. And watched the Lakers ALMOST pull it out on a Christmas day tilt with the NETS. Game tied at 115 with 45 seconds to go. But they couldn't get a stop. And that was that. Oh well... And I never even got to the new Spiderman movie which I had on the ready.  Of course I had to watch George Bailey and It's A Wonderful Life didn't I? And I had to watch a Christmas Carol, though it was the dark version from 2019. Yes I spent Christmas Day alone this year and sadly I will remember it attached to the events of yesterday's Christmas Eve. But at the end of the evening, I felt much better about it. And I knew that I had started to heal. Awesome.

Christmas Eve in San Diego

With Lisa's episode, I then texted Grace to see what they were doing. And I immediately asked if I could come tonight for Christmas Eve. Plans for the Elams tomorrow? That is done. For me at least. I have no intention of being anywhere near Lisa. Even if it means I don't get to see Johnnie for Christmas. Fucking psycho. I took a shower and by 3 PM was on my way to San Diego. Obviously I spent the drive trying to clear my head, although I was actually surprised at how calm I was and how relatively well I handled it. I didn't do anything physical, and I wasn't even really bruised emotionally like I used to be. She had not done that since... oh one of those pick-up Thursdays LOL LOL when she was on overwhelm because of something in her office. There's always something. If it was just that I think i would have just shrugged it off as Lisa being Lisa. But like that Thursday night when Johnnie started crying, what makes me angry is that she did it in front of Johnnie. And there is no telling what kind of emotional programming she created by doing that. I mean she herself got fucked up by her own dad. I'm not saying I am not either. But anyone who knows their family history should not see this behavior of hers as a surprise. The surprise was how long I put up with it. At least I have better ways of dealing with it now, and specifically because I do not have to be around her at all should I choose. The only thing that prevents me from avoiding her 100% is not seeing Johnnie. And I do not want that. I put on a Ho'onoponopono track on the drive south and by Oceanside, I was actually feeling calm. So much so I made a stop and took a picture of the sunset on Surfrider Ave. It was a beautiful sunset. By the time I made it to Grace's house it was already 5:30 PM and it had started to rain. But I didn't care. I was actually one of the first ones there. Lisa had a friend of hers join them. My mom was already there and making remarks about how she was wondering if she actually did have a second son LOL LOL. And then the Cortez's came. It's funny how I haven't made it to one of these gatherings for the last few years. I prioritized Lisa's plans whatever they were. Tonight, there was a lot of food, lots of Swedish fare too. It was nice to see the Cortez's who i hadn't seen in years as well. And of course Maia and Alex was there. And Kianna came too after she got off work at 8 PM. She was working as a hostess/server at a convalescent home. Gee sounded familiar to my high school work years LOL. It was nice to talk about old stuff. Memories that only we have, shared from a common history. That too is part of being family. And so I had dinner, hung out and acted as if nothing was wrong. And then at 9 PM I drove home. It was raining, but I made it home safely. No one had any idea that I was actually hurting a bit inside. And that was ok. Hanging out with my family was EXACTLY what I needed. And made me feel 1000% better. I silently apologized to my fam and sent them gratitude energy. I'm sorry it took Lisa's idiotic antics to bring me there tonight. Remember I had no plans to do so. But I'm glad I did. I was so happy to be with everyone there.

Lisa's Major Blow-Up. Again.

I should have seen the signs coming as early as Monday. That's when what should have been a nice sit down family dinner between mom, dad, and son since Lisa didn't get to spend any time that day with Johnnie turned from that positive thought into something else. Lisa's stomach didn't agree with the beef brocollini dish I made with soy sauce. I mean I thought that was bland enough. But not so said Lisa.  And so I walked off feeling disappointed that she didn't end up liking it. Or that it didn't agree with her stomach. I remember thinking well maybe next time we'll make it even more bland. But what the heck am I going to eat? This morning we were supposed to hang out again as a family before they took off for the Kederian Christmas Eve dinner. I hadn't talked to my own family so I had no idea what I was going to do later. Maybe watch the Spiderman movie was on my mind. But at least I'd get to have breakfast and see Johnnie for the bulk of today and that was good enough for me. So I went over there, we did have breakfast <some bread cake one of Lisa's patients gave her> and that was perfectly fine. I thought I'd be eating a lot for dinner so no big deal if I don't eat so much. We had a perfectly nice game of dominoes after breakfast too. With a nice colorful set given to Lisa as a present we decided to teach Johnnie the game right then and there. And we had a perfectly nice time. So... what... the... fuck... happened? First Lisa gets a phone call from her dad about her needing to be somewhere <bad memory #1 ... Christmas time 2007 we were having dinner in Santa Monica and Lisa got a call from her dad telling her she needed to be somewhere. Boy that set her off emotionally that time>. She half-complained about it but I didn't think much of it. Then she went to the bathroom and apparently felt pain doing so. And THAT set her off even more as she is now in her "I'm sick" mode and I could tell it was really bugging her. At this time I had suggested we go get sushi since I am now totally confused about what she could or couldn't eat. I was happy to wait and see what they would decide since I'd be taking off right after anyway. And then Lisa decided she wanted to make lunch in the house. She had no food in the refridgerator. She had leftover zucchini and onions from Monday. Maybe I should have just ate a little of that and then eat after leaving which I do on occasion anyway. Instead, I made the comment that it's ok I didn't need to eat, she could simply eat whatever was good for her. And I commented that I don't eat what she does. Which was a true statement in the sense that she usually eats bland food, and specifically after Monday and there wasn't anything in the fridge that I would eat normally. THAT SET HER OFF COMPLETELY. Next thing you knew, I saw an onion flying towards the living room. She was yelling incoherently and ran out of the kitchen, picking up Johnnie and setting him down out of the way in the process. She headed to the backyard. Johnnie started to cry. I could hear her yelling. I asked Johnnie if something got hit, he said that mommy stepped on his toe. I started rubbing it and told her it was ok. And then Lisa went back in and started yelling at me. I could see her standing over us while I had Johnnie on my lap on the couch, her eyes had that wild look. My reflexes wanted to protect Johnnie and I simply said PLEASE Lisa, go back outside and walk it off. I kept saying that. PLEASE Lisa. I wasn't yelling. I was imploring. And then she took Johnnie from me <bad memory: summer 2018 when Lisa and I had a fight with similar yelling and I kept Johnnie close to me and she kept trying to take him> All of a sudden a flood of bad memory hits me about August 2016 when we were moving and we had a fight in the living room. Same thing. Why does she always try to keep Johnnie close to her? All this time she kept on yelling and screaming about why I just couldn't go along. But that was it for me. I didn't respond. I didn't yell. I didn't do anything. I simply got up and walked away and drove home. I went to Ralphs to pick up lunch. Immediately I had another bad memory flashback of Christmas time when her mom got arrested because of she and her dad were attacking each other. Or the memory of 2016 when we had the big fight that precipitated her moving out of our bedroom. Or 2018 when she screamed at me over her employee bonuses. All. Very. Very. Sad. All i kept thinking was: I hope Johnnie is ok. Just like that Lisa just fucked up Christmas. 

Last Work Day Before Christmas

Today is the last day of the work week, last day before we all head off for the Christmas weekend. I'd like to be able to say I'd be tanking today but I actually wanted to make sure I had all my To-Do's done from Monday. Lo and behold I got 7 out of 8 done! Hey, maybe I CAN tank today. But not before I had a meeting with my IS Team first. That's because I got the good news that I was ok to keep Kennedy on as a part-time employee until such time that I could replace him with an FTE. And so I announced that to the team and then I had a de-brief with Kennedy afterwards. I am of the firm belief that people don't quit companies, they quit bosses. And I wanted to make sure I was not the primary reason he was leaving, or at least something that I did. I came to find out that he actually found it rough going in the beginning and was already looking to get out one month in. But he settled in 6 months later and actually started to like his job. Unfortunately he also felt pressure from his siblings who were making quite a bit more than he did. And so it did come down to the money and the opportunity to make more. Hey he's a young guy and so I don't blame him. Best to maximize your earning potential early. I felt consolation in that I did actually make him quite a bit more valuable in the 2+ years that he was with us. So I'll take that as a pat on my back. Hopefully I find another gem in this next go round. In the meantime, I was shocked to find after being on the phone for a good hour and a half that the mess that Johnnie had saved from last night and this morning was actually completely cleaned up! As in he cleared everything in that picture! I wanted to give him a reward but I couldn't give him much because it was raining outside. And raining pretty hard. 

The best that I could do was follow through with my promise yesterday that I would teach him how to play catch today. And that would have to be indoors wouldn't it? First I had to get him lunch, once again at Jack-in-the-Box Pico Blvd but this time going through the drive through. And there was no one in line. MUCH better experience than Tuesday obviously. And then after lunch we did play catch. Indoors. I was worried because he didn't really look like he got the hang of using the mitt the first time we tried yesterday. And so I had him learn how to catch bare hand at first. And THEN he caught on. As in he caught everything. Well, most everything as evidenced by the gif I posted. Who knew he would catch left and throw right since he was a natural left hander. Anyway at least that took up a chunk of the afternoon. And by then I pronounced myself done for the work day anyway. Which meant I had officially started my long weekend LOL. Now all we had left to do was the pick-up tonight by Lisa. Should I wait for her to call? Or should I take Johnnie to Lisa's house give him a shower and put him to bed? When Lisa called it was already well past 8 PM. But she didn't sound overwhelmed. And so I let her pick him up. By this time it had started to rain really REALLY hard. Fortunately, I had the downstairs garage to point her to so no one got wet. I still hadn't finished my steps at this point and the new Fitbit meant it actually counted active minutes when my heart rate went above 110 bpm. And so I have to work harder it feels. And that's ok. I also hadn't really had dinner yet. I mean I gave Johnnie his chicken noodle penne. BUt I hadn't made anything for myself. Which meant I had to venture out in the rain to get some food. I needed to anyway. Who knows what's going to happen this Christmas weekend. I better have some food in the house just in case. So I went to the store, and got properly drenched. I found it odd that I have no less than THREE waterproof shoes and I still chose to go out with my torn up Tom's. OF COURSe they would get soaked. As did my paints as it started to rain so hard, it was going sideways. Even a short trip to Ralphs got me really really wet. I still went to Taco Bell to pick up food. For some reason I felt like eating junk tonight. That's ok. I should eat healthy the rest of the week right? LEt Christmas weekend begin...

What To Do In the Middle of the Week

Why would we have a 3 hour Leadership Summit on the back end of a short week during Christmas week? Answer? Prerogative of the higher-ups. The idea was ok, maybe it was just me looking at my schedule which was otherwise clear for today and wondering if this was a waste of time. To cut a 3 hour story short, I was so restless by the third hour I kept getting up and down and I started to realize my bank had stiffened up. Maybe it was part of a reaction to the Covid booster shot I took yesterday. But then again it HAS been more than 24 hours already and I didn't really feel all that sick yesterday. I felt something, I felt a bit off, but definitely not sick. But today, the stiff lower back was something that was impossible to ignore. I felt like the last part was just a recycle of stuff we were already doing. The conflict resolution stuff during the first part was useful I thought. My takeaway was that I needed to give my staff a sense of SAFE SPACE. All of the time. Mercifully, the talk or the meeting ended right before lunchtime at noon and I was able to get back to more pressing issues such as what to do for Johnnie's lunch. Yesterday was dramatic enough, today since we didn't go anywhere or really do anything, I was surprised that Johnnie would actually agree to eat spaghetti. And with my leftover meatloaf from the weekend, that took care of lunch for both of us. Eezy-peezy. After eating, I didn't really feel like working anymore. I knew I had more than a few things left on my To-Do for the week but somehow it seemed like they were resolving without a lot of effort or drama. I delegated what I could and the Kennedy status request got punted yet again from Dennis to Sheila both senior director level back up to Eloisa. And so I put my request in writing and crossed my fingers. It is up to them now and I'm ok with their decision either way. We'll be ok. 

And so what did I do for the afternoon? Parked Johnnie and i in front of movies that's what. He watched Space Jam Legacy. Again. <Funny how last year it was all about Frozen 2> I watched the NEW Matrix Resurrections. I can not oversimplify the significance of a new Matrix movie with both Keanu Reaves and the original Trinity in it after 20+ years. I mean after all the first Matrix movie was an iconic movie. One of the greatest sci-fi classics. What would this new one be like? My quick reaction? Just like any Star Wars movie, it wouldn't have taken much for me to like it. And I like the new plot twists and the plot explanations and everything. Yes I liked the movie. A couple of hours later, Johnnie had not only watched his movie, but he created a fortified city in the living room. That's what happens when you leave him alone for a couple of hours. I had this idea that i wanted to get him a baseball mitt for his Christmas present. I mean he could hit, but he has to learn how to catch as well. And so off we went to Big 5 later on and then since it was already close to 5 PM, we also got a pizza from Domino's a couple of blocks from there. And so this errant run was another eezy-peezy jaunt. Johnnie got his mitt and was actually excited about it. We got pizzas for dinner for the both of us and that was it for the day. I knew Johnnie wanted to learn how to use his mitt immediately and I did talk him into doing it tomorrow since it was already dark. He then proceeded to eat 3/4 of a full medium cheese pizza with half pepperoni. I mean the kid can eat now. He ate more pizza than I did! And then later on we did Christmas stuff. Recorded a video of us singing Feliz Navidad and posted it on FB. Immediately got 20 likes. Hey we're getting into the Christmas spirit right? It's all good. 

The Visit to QueensCare

One thing about having Johnnie home is that you're always trying to figure out how to keep him occupied for the entire day without parking him in front of visual media. And so today I decided to take him to the QueensCare Health Fair. They had a bunch of booths up including Mental Health assessment, including games from the YMCA folks, including Covid booster shots. I was very much interested in getting my own booster shot considering the current omicron surge going on right now, so much so even the RAMS game had been postponed to today because of players being in COVID protocol. The Lakers did not look like the Lakers last Sunday because so many people were out. And so Johnnie and I did our usual McDonald's breakfast and then headed to the new Vermont facility. There was a problem immediately. The freeway onramp was closed. I went to the next one and THAT was closed. The next one had such a long line because of the other 2 being closed. This was almost 10 AM already! I ended up having to take side streets all the way to La Brea before entering the freeway. And then when I exited Vermont, more traffic. Lots of roadwork happening everywhere it seemed like. It was like it rained hard last week and the city is reacting and doing some retro-fitting. And maybe, I could look at it like the Universe really doesn't want me to come down does it? But come down we did and really I wanted Johnnie to meet some of the folks I work with. He got to have a mental health wellness assessment, he got to play some basketball and even won a prize, which turned out to be a toy raygun I would hear the rest of the afternoon. And as for me, I finally did get my Pfizer booster shot. I was a little hesitant because I'm pretty sure I'm going to be feeling something tonight or tomorrow morning. Or maybe I'll just sleep it off like I did the 2nd Moderna shot. Anyway I thought we had a pretty good morning at the fair and then we headed home just in time for lunch.

And THAT is when doing all that driving took its toll. There was traffic on the drive home to be sure. But I didn't think it was that bad. I got off on Overland and headed to Jack In the Box at Pico to get Johnnie the chicken strips he didn't get yesterday. And what followed next was a lesson for me that I should listen to Johnnie. Particularly when he tells me he feels sick and wants to throw up. I didn't take it seriously. I still took him to line up inside Jack-in-the-box. He pointed to the bathroom and I continued to ignore him. Right up until he started throwing up right in his mask. I yelled in frustration. Not at Johnnie. But at myself. What the hell happened? We did too much driving was what happened. And he got car sick! And I spent the next 15 minutes cleaning him up and cleaning up his clothes as he totally threw up his breakfast right there in the grassy area in the parking lot at Jack-in-the-box. Oh well, at least he did it outside mostly. I still bought him chicken strips... and then I took him home to clean up. "i'm really sorry Dad," he said. Oh it is NOT your fault little one. It's mine. After cleaning him up I stroked his head and his tummy and made sure he was ok. And in a little while he recovered. At least to the point where he was taking his new toy raygun and blasting away. Look at the pic. All in all, I didn't really feel anything from the booster shot. At least not until tonight when I felt like going to sleep the same time I put Johnnie to bed around 8:45. In the meantime, I still tried to get some work done. Work to do with the Kennedy situation. I gotta convince upper management to let me keep him part time which is what he wants. Don't know if I'm going to get that. First I gotta talk to my boss, Dennis, which I did today, then Sheila the HR Director, which I'll do tomorrow. We'll see what happens. In the meantime, this became a normal routine Tuesday and it was like the throw-up thing didn't happen. We went to Panda Express to get our dinner, made chocolate chip cookies like we do on a Tuesday night. And with the thought that the week was already half over, I did feel a little weird but not sick. I'll be ok.

Monday Work and Negative Memories

I got up this morning and tried to focus on my desired outcomes for the week. It's a short week work-wise so I did have a list of things I wanted to get done. Needless to say I wanted to get through the list. But I also noticed some negative tugs, mainly from news of the outside world. Stock market tanked today because of some politics going on. Those are the kinds of things I really need to avoid. And then of course there is Lisa asking if she could drop off Johnnie at 8:30 AM this morning for me to watch him and Claire for the day. It's like a normal Monday for her I think and that includes getting on with whatever she's doing right after she drops Johnnie off at school. And then picks him up again at 5 PM. She followed her own phone call 20 minutes later calling the whole thing off. I guess her Pilates instructor cancelled on her and so she's back to dropping Johnnie off at the original time of 11:30. Still early and still good as far as I was concerned. All I needed to do was get the HRSA report done today. And timecards, both of which I should be finished by that time. All that meant was that I got to go out on my morning walk like I usually do. Nothing like feeling the warm sun on my face first thing in the morning. And with that I eased into 5000 steps before 10 AM. Still on track for 15,000 steps today. One thing though, I've noticed that my Fitbit has been running out of juice much earlier than it used to. Which is why I missed the number of steps and minutes spent yesterday at the golf course. It simply died right on my wrist. Like in a couple of hours of use. Tells me it's time to get a new one. Hey, it's been more than 4 years now anyway. Couple of clicks on Amazon and I should get a new one by tomorrow. By the time Lisa dropped Johnnie off, I actually was on track, not just with my steps, but also with my work although I wasn't done just yet. First I had to get Johnnie lunch. Which resulted in a mind-numbing waste of time at Jack-in-the-box Centinela. We had to bolt and get Johnnie a quesadilla at El Pollo Loco instead. And me my usual double chicken tostada salad. A pretty good lunch such as it were. Johnnie spent the afternoon working on LEGOs. it took him 4 hours but he did finish a snake, pic of which I am posting here. Actually very nice work I thought. By 4 PM I started to make parts of dinner for tonight. Lisa had asked if we could all have dinner at her house, which was a reasonable enough request considering she didn't and won't get to see Johnnie for the next few days. I made rice and penne pasta for Johnnie's chicken noodle soup. And then we went and got some shaved beef and broccollini to make for dinner. Eezy-peezy. Should have been an uneventful time. Except...

There are times when Lisa forgets that we are actually, in fact, divorced. And she forgets the reason why we are too. Like when she asked me to bring in the trash can sort of matter-of-factly like it was something I should be doing. Now I realize it was her tone that made me think that.  I made the food I did because we had eaten it before because you never know how finnicky Lisa is with what she eats. Tonight was one of those really bad times. And after eating a couple of servings, she started complaining that her stomach was feeling bad and she proceeds to burp really loud. <Isn't that good?> Bottom line was that whatever good feelings I had about making dinner just went right out the window. In fact, I regretted even fixing dinner at all. And then finally, we were talking about QueensCare's return-to-work plan for next month and I mentioned that if we forced people to come back to the office, we would lose some folks. Me included. That must have set off something with her. She surmised that I would probably just retire. And so she brought up that maybe I should think differently and think about saving something for college for Johnnie? Huh? What? What business is it of hers what the fuck I do with my money? That's one of the biggest reasons why we got divorced! Is she that clueless. I openly questioned why we had to help at all. I didn't get any help. Neither did Lisa. We made out just fine. I realize I brought that up because she already hit one of my buttons. And I wasn't backing down. What business is it of hers if I retire or not? Does she not realize there are lines divorced people don't cross if they want to keep the peace? I mean I stay as far away from her business and her office as much as possible because even offering an opinion never results in a good outcome. And then when we talked about the schedule for Christmas, it would seem she is taking Johnnie for the better part of a week until New Years Day. Great. Of course I look forward to not seeing Johnnie for the next week <sarcasm> Can this night get any more negative for me?? And so from that point I did the dishes, brought in the trash cans, but only to get us out of there as soon as possible. Need to get to my apartment and do some big time decompressing. All I need to say is THAT IS WHY LISA AND I ARE DIVORCED.  Move back in? Yeah that's funny. Hilarious. Hey, at least my new Fitbit came EARLY!! I get a new toy to set up tonight!!

Another Golf Sunday

Another Sunday, another morning spent at the golf course, this time at Roosevelt. I had been playing decent for a little while now which means for about 6 weeks now, and I can at least hang my hat on the fact that I've shot par on the first hole 4 of the last 5 weeks. One of those was here at Roosevelt. And so when I swatted my first shot 200 yards right down the middle and got on the green pin level near the fringe after 2 shots, I SHOULD get it for a par right? I actually DID! Which made it 5 out of the last 6 weeks that I've shot par on the first hole. I actually didn't do so bad on the 2nd hole and even on the 3rd. And on the 4th hole after a not-so good tee shot I hit my 5 wood straight and right on the fringe. But I missed my par putt that time and settled for a 5. And on the next hole, Although i was again at the fringe pin level after 2 shots, I just lost focus and settled for a 6. Funny that Scott had been tracking our head-to-head hole wins and seemed serious about it, which meant I paid attention to it too. But he started to play well after this hole and declared he actually won this hole. We actually tied but I gave it to him since I was supposedly leading at that time 3-1. I seemed to lose focus completely after this hole. Gone were the straight shots down the line, replaced by topping the ball or mishits completely like I USED to do a couple of months ago. I allowed my swing to get speeded up, lost my rhythm like I had, lost my confidence. And I never won a hole again. And with Scott finding HIS rhythm, he won the last holes. How disappointing is that... not losing to Scott, but losing my focus! And it happened because I let Scott mentally think he won Hole 5. I never cleared that off my mind which brought back old programs about not doing well I'm sure. The last 4 holes were not how I have played in the last month. It remains to be seen if I can wipe out THIS stretch of play and regain my play from the past month(s). I need to let go of frustration, get to balance and focus. That's all it is. And it is disappointing how I started really well but lost it just as easily. There's a huge lesson there to be sure. Can't let up. 

Oh well, at least it was a nice day out and it even got pretty warm by mid-morning. On the way home, I didn't want to eat Mediterranean food today for lunch... for some reason I had a hankering for iN-N-Out and I stopped at IN-N-Out drive through near my apartment. I noticed that my fitbit had died out which meant all that walking around the golf course was never recorded. Probably time to get a new one. Hey that's about 3 miles of steps and maybe an hour's worth of active minutes. I'll just have to add it manually. There was no RAMS game to watch this afternoon since the Covid protocols had moved it to Tuesday. UCLA basketball is postponed now too since lots of people are testing positive. And the Lakers? They're affected too. They had no centers today and they were already not watchable. As in they're not the Lakers I passionately follow. They're a middling .500 team these days and there's some hope they can still kick it into gear after Christmas. The unexpected blip of a surprise was a text from Johnnie (see attached). They were over at Lisa Pereira's house in Santa Clarita and I guess he must have been bored or something because he wanted to talk to me. Awww. My Kid Bug. I had seen him Friday and Saturday and I don't usually see him on Sundays. But today we FaceTimed for about 5 minutes just so he could see my face and I think he was ok after that. Tomorrow is early pick up as it is as Lisa already told me she was dropping him off at 11 aM. It is all good. Weekend is over. Christmas week coming up.

The Lunch at Brooklyn's

So Lisa told me on very short notice yesterday that Brooklyn's mom invited she and Johnnie to come over for a small Christmas get-together today. I assumed I was invited too and told Lisa I wanted to go. To which, she had no objection to whatsoever. In my mind, when it came to Brooklyn and her family, it was already implied that I was invited. I see far more of Brooklyn and Bailey getting dropped off in the mornings at the school gate by her grandmother. It was me that took Johnnie to pizza the day of his actual birthday WITH Brooklyn and her mom. So for me there is actually a comfort level with this family and  I kind of surprised myself actually at the enthusiasm I showed about going. Hey it's Saturday and Johnnie and I are supposed to be hanging out today anyway aren't we? It was supposed to be a lunch at noon which gave me plenty of time to lollygag around MY house for a Saturday morning without any sense of urgency whatsoever. I got up, made myself some hot tea and Hawaiian bagel breakfast and watched some YouTube videos. And even had time to clean my toilet which I hadn't done in a couple of weeks. These days the apartment is cleaned in sections, and I get to the dirtiest  parts first. Or should I say visibly dirty LOL LOL.  And so I got to Lisa's house at 11:45 and Lisa was barely done taking a shower. Usually I'd be twitching mentally about being late but today, without that sense of urgency whatsoever I didn't care when we got there. We were definitely not late at all actually and when you go somewhere where you get the feeling that you're expected, it's all good. Very cool even. Besides Brooklyn, and Bailey there were a couple of other kids there already playing with some put-together-and-paint stuff and so Johnnie immediately joined them and launched into build mode. And then he wnet into play mode and would stay at that "setting" for the rest of the day.  The cool thing about the backyard of Brooklyn's grandmother's house was that there was a mini gym out there with monkey bars and  a mini rock wall and everything. The kids had a blast. Look at the pics I took of him hanging out with Brooklyn. They are pretty cute together I will admit. And so is little Bailey. In the meantime, Lisa and I did manage to socialize with the other adults that were there, particularly with Blair <Brooklyn's mom> and Michel <Brooklyn's grandmother>. We kind of went indoors because it had gotten warm out. The sun was out and it was a beautiful day. And Lisa and I were winterized, with sweaters and everything. I mean it  had been really cold all week. Which was why kept going inside LOL. Who knew it would warm up a bit today?!  They had plenty of food to be sure. We had turkey and stuffing and meatballs and lots of chips and dip. I will say that for the 2nd day in a row I had a really huge lunch, which is the earmark of the holiday season.  Hang out with friends, eat a lot. It didn't happen last year, it wasn't allowed. We were all doing the celebrate from the curb thing. Actual get-togethers are very much welcome this year. And then later on when Lisa got a call from the hair groomer that Claire was done with her haircut, of course she had to go get her and bring the dog to the party. Last time at Brooklyn's birthday party, the dog was pretty much a huge hit and so this time why would it be any different LOL? <see pic> The dog certainly did not want for attention. And even got a nice walk around the block in with several people from the party in tow. By the time we left the party it was well past 4 PM. And both Lisa and I were yawning. I could have used a nap at this point and I would have loved to go on home to do so. But Lisa sort of asked but didn't actually ask if I could stick around and watch Johnnie while SHE took a nap. Oh well, she gets to go first. At least I got a whole bunch of steps in while I was waiting for Johnnie's pizza to cook. Yes, by this time it was already dinner time for Johnnie, especially since he didn't really eat a whole lot of lunch. REally just a bunch of grapes and strawberries and crackers. In other words, his usual lunch LOL LOL. And so I basically made Johnnie 2 Trader Joe's pizza for dinner and by the time he got done, so did Lisa's nap. As soon as she came back down, out I went on home. I was tired too. Remember I need immediate downtime when winding down from social situations. I made a pit stop at Mitsuwa to get my dinner as well. Pork katsu curry over rice. Something that would heat me up on a cold night like tonight. And I spent the rest of Saturday night binge watching the Witcher on Netflix. And I thought it was pretty good actually.  And by the time I got too tired to keep my eyes open I merely reminded myself that I am in full on holiday mode already a week before Christmas. And the get-together's that I had already gone to, even in this time of a continuing pandemic, I felt grateful that I'm getting to celebrate it with other people and that this year is already way WAY better than last.

Holiday Cheer and the FRB

I woke up this morning and I already knew it wasn't going to be an ordinary Friday. I only had one meeting today but I also had cleared my schedule this afternoon so I could throw a holiday lunch for my teams. Boy, gone are the days when I only had to deal with a few people about that. Now I actually have 10 people on all 3 teams and I booked a table at El Cholo downtown so we could celebrate. Hey, last year we were in the middle of a surge with no vaccine just yet. This year, though the omicron variant is starting to surge as well, most of us are already fully vaccinated and not really as concerned. The absence of the concern is why we are getting the fastbreak to come back to the office at the FRB. And which is why I am there this morning. I wanted to check out what needed to be moved. I almost forgot how to badge in and get in to the parking lot LOL. It was familiar yet unfamiliar at the same time.  I also needed to get out of my own office and move my stuff to my "new" office which is Gloria's old office at the PAC. No more window <sigh> and I already felt claustrophobic in there. But hey, maybe I won't even have to think about occupying it at all huh? Anyway, taking my stuff down from the old office was really a non-event until I started taking Johnnie's pictures down. I moved into this office I believe in 2016 or 2017 so I had been here for a while. I took a pic of what this would have been on a Friday pre-pandemic with my feet up and everything LOL LOL. Anyway before I knew it, it was already 1 PM and time to walk over to the restaurant which was by the Staples Center. Since Faith had shown up today at the FRB as well I invited her to our holiday lunch. If this was a pre-pandemic Friday for sure we would have gone out somewhere to eat, foodies that both she and I are. Anyway I posted pics from the restaurant. I also had to announce that Kennedy was leaving and so this turned out to be a goodbye party as well.  He still simply wants to get reverted to part-time status, at least until I can find a replacement for him. Knowing our history with Victor, I am not so sure I could pull that one off. We'll see... In the meantime, at least for today we had a good time and we had a great lunch I thought...

As soon as lunch got done, I went back to the FRB simply to pick up my bag and go on home. It was a Friday after all. I would have been real happy to spend Friday night watching the new season of the Witcher but I got a phone call from Johnnie, fresh off his last day of school <see pic> asking if I could come over for dinner. I know Lisa was already tired and simply needed someone to watch him. Which I was very glad to do, even if I had to be at Lisa's house to do it. 

It's ok. I didn't eat all that much. I was still full from lunch <hey if I'm going to drop $400, may as well eat up right?> and I had eaten leftover spaghetti from last night too. As it was I  ended up washing dinner dishes anyway and since Lisa knocked off I gave Johnnie his shower and tucked him in bed. 2nd time I'm doing that at Lisa's house in less than a week. I love you my Kid Bug (a change from Little Bug at Johnnie's request). I'll see you tomorrow. And I had to stop and think thoughts of gratitude for a very good day.

Tests From the Universe

This was going to be a heavy meeting day all the way to 2:30 PM without even a break for lunch. How and why did I do that? And it got started at 9 AM with a OCHIN meeting that Eloisa had pinged me she was attending. I wonder why? She never attends these things. And when I looked at the agenda, it was heavier than I expected with lots of talk about HCCN. Maybe that's why she's attending. I note that this is ME again playing that old program of dread and fear that something bad is going to happen to my job. Did I not just note that I already have enough stashed for a year if I were to lose it? Which is precisely why I have to remind myself that this reaction is simply an old one that I need to re-condition and let go. And when I internalize that feeling that I have more than enough... a lot more, to replace the feeling of LACK, then I think commensurate results will also appear. As it was it seemed like all we needed to do was determine what projects to get done with HCCN for the year and then determine the champion and project leader. I always thought of myself as the project leader. It turned out Eloisa didn't want to be the project champion. She wanted me to be. And so I assigned Shilpa to be project lead for one of them and Lainie the other. And that was that. Yet again, much emotional sway over not much of anything really. Of course other stuff would come up. At the IS Team Meeting, Kennedy announced that he had taken another job. <sound of air coming out of my balloon> Man I invested time training this kid and he had finally developed this year into a key performer. And now I'm going to have to replace that position. Again. It's going to affect the department for a little bit to be sure. But am I really going to let this affect me? I remind myself a year ago when Lam left... I made it through that one just fine. I should be ok this time still. And it's funny while a team member gives me news of his departure in one meeting, in my next meeting I'm interviewing a new team member LOL. And we will probably hire her. The world moves on. I got one last TEST I think today, which came at my last meeting of the day with Barbara regarding an investigation of an unauthorized file access of a Queenscare staffer. or should I say unintentionally authorized file access. Barbara seems a little bent out of shape with this. I don't know what it was about her energy that completely turned me off and had me dismissing her as being overly grumpy today. Yes the person looked at files she wasn't supposed to. Hey, someone gave her access by mistake. Should she get fired for that? It wasn't her fault she got access. Slippery slope I think. I'm thinking I'm getting tested whether I want to continue to put up with this day-to-day stuff at QueensCare or be really ready to do something completely different and not do this job anymore. Of course, my solution is simply to retire and not have to work anymore. Live off dividends from my investments. $7500 a month after taxes. Withdraw $3500 every 2 weeks on auto from my investment account which continues to grow. I can live off that for a while I think. I will be just fine... 

In the meantime... once no longer working for anyone but myself, my focus will be my job as Johnnie's dad. I will say I watched Lisa fondly say goodbye to him on Monday night as she dropped off his rain stuff. That will be me tonight. Look at the pic I posted of him cleaning up the dining room table. That's all Lisa and I'm so glad because clearly I am NOT as dilligent with the neat and clean stuff. But boy he's telling me we can't have shoes in the house... he's asking to clean behind the couch. I couldn't be more pleased. The Universe may have thrown some tests at me today, but at the end of the day, it's what Johnnie and I do together is what counts. Traffic was really bad going to Panda Express even though it was barely 5 PM. Still like the parting of the REd Sea, while all these cars were competing for parking spaces like goofy nuts, I very quickly and easily found a space inside. And we were in and out of Panda Express with Johnnie's dinner in 5 minutes. And despite the traffic, we managed to weave our way home without really worrying about it too much. Johnnie had his teriyaki chicken and I made myself spaghetti and bolognese a la Arnel. And just chilled until Lisa called to pick up Johnnie around 8:30 PM. Yeah it was pretty late but I didn't care. We had already had our time together. And this is his last week of school before winter break after all. WE'll have plenty of time to spend together in the next 3 weeks. In the meantime, he spent the time waiting for his mom writing her a note and inventing a logo for his company. THAT is what I want to hear from my 7-yr old. Here is to hoping he doesn't spend 36+ years of his life working a 9-to-5, like his father just did and still does. Takes energy to get out of that program at this point but then again I did manage to amass some capital didn't I? It started to rain by the time Lisa got to my apartment. I didn't chit chat or talk about what was happening on Saturday which is really all I cared about. I could have sworn she replied with something to the effect of "I want you in my life" or something like that. I dismissed it because it felt out of context. I don't know whether I will see Johnnie this weekend and that's ok. Maybe it's time I get into the Christmas spirit LOL LOL. That I still gotta do.