Home Alone Christmas Day

Ah Christmas Day.  When some folks are with their families, opening Christmas presents first thing in the morning, particularly the kids, maybe having leftover ham from last night's Christmas Eve dinner like I'm sure MY family in San Diego is doing, I'm not doing any of those. My only thought this morning was that I am going to spend the day recovering emotionally from Lisa's shit antics yesterday. Which meant of course that I am staying as far away from her as possible today. It also meant that I was not going to go to the Elam's for Christmas.  I was going to let Lisa explain my absence. Until I got a call and a text from Diana making sure I was coming. Either Lisa hadn't told them yet, or she probably said she didn't know if I was coming and couldn't reach me. She did try to call me on both my phones and I simply did not pick up. I had no intention of talking to her today. The risk of me doing the same thing and blowing up right back at her was way too great. You see, I was very calm yesterday and I was very proud of myself for that. But I was not too sure that I was not repressing my own anger, which was the more natural reaction and I really want to make sure I express that in some way. In a healthy way. I guess that is what this journal is for. So here goes... WHAT THE FUCK WAS SHE THINKING. SHE IS SUCH A FUCKING BITCH! HOW DARE SHE DO THAT IN FRONT OF MY SON! WE ARE DIVORCED YOU FUCKING BITCH! I DO NOT HAVE TO DO ANYTHING YOU SAY! IF I DON'T WANT TO EAT THE SHIT FOOD YOU EAT, I AM NOT GOING TO. YOU GOT THAT?! YOU BETTER FUCKING APOLOGIZE TO ME OR I AM GOING TO MAKE SURE YOU NEVER DO THAT TO ME AGAIN. NOT IN FRONT OF MY SON. Whew.  HEY writing all that actually does make me feel better! So since it didn't appear like she was going to tell Diana what was going on. I decided that I would do it. I texted her to let her know I wasn't coming and why.  Within 15 minutes both she and Courtney texted me back saying they understood.  Courtney should understand since she has also been in Lisa's crosshairs since she started staying at her house.  Now that I think about it, who hasn't been in Lisa's crosshairs? I bet those people didn't get screamed at the way Lisa screamed at me though. I simply cannot allow that behavior to continue.

But for today, I was satisfied simply steering clear. And spending Christmas alone. I need today to heal. Now I'm glad I bought some food. Since everything is closed today, at least I have some food to make myself for tonight. I actually cooked up the chicken breasts I bought a couple of days ago. And then made myself some of that stuffing everyone likes that I make. Ahhh, I ended up having a pretty decent christmas dinner for myself. So much so I had to post the pic. I immersed myself in emotional healing frequencies. I'm not sure I am ready to let go 100% just yet. Since that is what emotional healing is about. But I can at least start with that process. Part of it is also to determine what, if anything, message or lesson the Universe was trying to get me to focus on.  if everything is me pushed out, then was there a part of me that needed to rage about something? Is that what manifested Lisa's rage? Or was it just a memory playing itself over and over like the ghosts of Christmas past, in this case Lisa's? Was there some part of me that wanted to see drama? All valid questions and I contemplated each in my own quiet. If I didn't know what I needed to learn, I did know what I didn't want to do, which is to let it distract me and let myself get sucked into the drama. I simply need to say NO, Uh-UH. NOT FOR ME. THANK YOU NO. And I need to focus on what I want. Which is more harmony, more peace, more joy, more love.  And with that I parked myself on the couch for most of the day, only getting up to get my steps done. And I want to note that I finished 10,000+ steps today DESPITE parking myself on the couch for most of the day. I even got 60 active minutes in.  How about THAT! And I did enjoy my chicken breasts for dinner. And watched movie and video after movie and video. And watched the Lakers ALMOST pull it out on a Christmas day tilt with the NETS. Game tied at 115 with 45 seconds to go. But they couldn't get a stop. And that was that. Oh well... And I never even got to the new Spiderman movie which I had on the ready.  Of course I had to watch George Bailey and It's A Wonderful Life didn't I? And I had to watch a Christmas Carol, though it was the dark version from 2019. Yes I spent Christmas Day alone this year and sadly I will remember it attached to the events of yesterday's Christmas Eve. But at the end of the evening, I felt much better about it. And I knew that I had started to heal. Awesome.

Christmas Eve in San Diego

With Lisa's episode, I then texted Grace to see what they were doing. And I immediately asked if I could come tonight for Christmas Eve. Plans for the Elams tomorrow? That is done. For me at least. I have no intention of being anywhere near Lisa. Even if it means I don't get to see Johnnie for Christmas. Fucking psycho. I took a shower and by 3 PM was on my way to San Diego. Obviously I spent the drive trying to clear my head, although I was actually surprised at how calm I was and how relatively well I handled it. I didn't do anything physical, and I wasn't even really bruised emotionally like I used to be. She had not done that since... oh one of those pick-up Thursdays LOL LOL when she was on overwhelm because of something in her office. There's always something. If it was just that I think i would have just shrugged it off as Lisa being Lisa. But like that Thursday night when Johnnie started crying, what makes me angry is that she did it in front of Johnnie. And there is no telling what kind of emotional programming she created by doing that. I mean she herself got fucked up by her own dad. I'm not saying I am not either. But anyone who knows their family history should not see this behavior of hers as a surprise. The surprise was how long I put up with it. At least I have better ways of dealing with it now, and specifically because I do not have to be around her at all should I choose. The only thing that prevents me from avoiding her 100% is not seeing Johnnie. And I do not want that. I put on a Ho'onoponopono track on the drive south and by Oceanside, I was actually feeling calm. So much so I made a stop and took a picture of the sunset on Surfrider Ave. It was a beautiful sunset. By the time I made it to Grace's house it was already 5:30 PM and it had started to rain. But I didn't care. I was actually one of the first ones there. Lisa had a friend of hers join them. My mom was already there and making remarks about how she was wondering if she actually did have a second son LOL LOL. And then the Cortez's came. It's funny how I haven't made it to one of these gatherings for the last few years. I prioritized Lisa's plans whatever they were. Tonight, there was a lot of food, lots of Swedish fare too. It was nice to see the Cortez's who i hadn't seen in years as well. And of course Maia and Alex was there. And Kianna came too after she got off work at 8 PM. She was working as a hostess/server at a convalescent home. Gee sounded familiar to my high school work years LOL. It was nice to talk about old stuff. Memories that only we have, shared from a common history. That too is part of being family. And so I had dinner, hung out and acted as if nothing was wrong. And then at 9 PM I drove home. It was raining, but I made it home safely. No one had any idea that I was actually hurting a bit inside. And that was ok. Hanging out with my family was EXACTLY what I needed. And made me feel 1000% better. I silently apologized to my fam and sent them gratitude energy. I'm sorry it took Lisa's idiotic antics to bring me there tonight. Remember I had no plans to do so. But I'm glad I did. I was so happy to be with everyone there.

Lisa's Major Blow-Up. Again.

I should have seen the signs coming as early as Monday. That's when what should have been a nice sit down family dinner between mom, dad, and son since Lisa didn't get to spend any time that day with Johnnie turned from that positive thought into something else. Lisa's stomach didn't agree with the beef brocollini dish I made with soy sauce. I mean I thought that was bland enough. But not so said Lisa.  And so I walked off feeling disappointed that she didn't end up liking it. Or that it didn't agree with her stomach. I remember thinking well maybe next time we'll make it even more bland. But what the heck am I going to eat? This morning we were supposed to hang out again as a family before they took off for the Kederian Christmas Eve dinner. I hadn't talked to my own family so I had no idea what I was going to do later. Maybe watch the Spiderman movie was on my mind. But at least I'd get to have breakfast and see Johnnie for the bulk of today and that was good enough for me. So I went over there, we did have breakfast <some bread cake one of Lisa's patients gave her> and that was perfectly fine. I thought I'd be eating a lot for dinner so no big deal if I don't eat so much. We had a perfectly nice game of dominoes after breakfast too. With a nice colorful set given to Lisa as a present we decided to teach Johnnie the game right then and there. And we had a perfectly nice time. So... what... the... fuck... happened? First Lisa gets a phone call from her dad about her needing to be somewhere <bad memory #1 ... Christmas time 2007 we were having dinner in Santa Monica and Lisa got a call from her dad telling her she needed to be somewhere. Boy that set her off emotionally that time>. She half-complained about it but I didn't think much of it. Then she went to the bathroom and apparently felt pain doing so. And THAT set her off even more as she is now in her "I'm sick" mode and I could tell it was really bugging her. At this time I had suggested we go get sushi since I am now totally confused about what she could or couldn't eat. I was happy to wait and see what they would decide since I'd be taking off right after anyway. And then Lisa decided she wanted to make lunch in the house. She had no food in the refridgerator. She had leftover zucchini and onions from Monday. Maybe I should have just ate a little of that and then eat after leaving which I do on occasion anyway. Instead, I made the comment that it's ok I didn't need to eat, she could simply eat whatever was good for her. And I commented that I don't eat what she does. Which was a true statement in the sense that she usually eats bland food, and specifically after Monday and there wasn't anything in the fridge that I would eat normally. THAT SET HER OFF COMPLETELY. Next thing you knew, I saw an onion flying towards the living room. She was yelling incoherently and ran out of the kitchen, picking up Johnnie and setting him down out of the way in the process. She headed to the backyard. Johnnie started to cry. I could hear her yelling. I asked Johnnie if something got hit, he said that mommy stepped on his toe. I started rubbing it and told her it was ok. And then Lisa went back in and started yelling at me. I could see her standing over us while I had Johnnie on my lap on the couch, her eyes had that wild look. My reflexes wanted to protect Johnnie and I simply said PLEASE Lisa, go back outside and walk it off. I kept saying that. PLEASE Lisa. I wasn't yelling. I was imploring. And then she took Johnnie from me <bad memory: summer 2018 when Lisa and I had a fight with similar yelling and I kept Johnnie close to me and she kept trying to take him> All of a sudden a flood of bad memory hits me about August 2016 when we were moving and we had a fight in the living room. Same thing. Why does she always try to keep Johnnie close to her? All this time she kept on yelling and screaming about why I just couldn't go along. But that was it for me. I didn't respond. I didn't yell. I didn't do anything. I simply got up and walked away and drove home. I went to Ralphs to pick up lunch. Immediately I had another bad memory flashback of Christmas time when her mom got arrested because of she and her dad were attacking each other. Or the memory of 2016 when we had the big fight that precipitated her moving out of our bedroom. Or 2018 when she screamed at me over her employee bonuses. All. Very. Very. Sad. All i kept thinking was: I hope Johnnie is ok. Just like that Lisa just fucked up Christmas. 

Last Work Day Before Christmas

Today is the last day of the work week, last day before we all head off for the Christmas weekend. I'd like to be able to say I'd be tanking today but I actually wanted to make sure I had all my To-Do's done from Monday. Lo and behold I got 7 out of 8 done! Hey, maybe I CAN tank today. But not before I had a meeting with my IS Team first. That's because I got the good news that I was ok to keep Kennedy on as a part-time employee until such time that I could replace him with an FTE. And so I announced that to the team and then I had a de-brief with Kennedy afterwards. I am of the firm belief that people don't quit companies, they quit bosses. And I wanted to make sure I was not the primary reason he was leaving, or at least something that I did. I came to find out that he actually found it rough going in the beginning and was already looking to get out one month in. But he settled in 6 months later and actually started to like his job. Unfortunately he also felt pressure from his siblings who were making quite a bit more than he did. And so it did come down to the money and the opportunity to make more. Hey he's a young guy and so I don't blame him. Best to maximize your earning potential early. I felt consolation in that I did actually make him quite a bit more valuable in the 2+ years that he was with us. So I'll take that as a pat on my back. Hopefully I find another gem in this next go round. In the meantime, I was shocked to find after being on the phone for a good hour and a half that the mess that Johnnie had saved from last night and this morning was actually completely cleaned up! As in he cleared everything in that picture! I wanted to give him a reward but I couldn't give him much because it was raining outside. And raining pretty hard. 

The best that I could do was follow through with my promise yesterday that I would teach him how to play catch today. And that would have to be indoors wouldn't it? First I had to get him lunch, once again at Jack-in-the-Box Pico Blvd but this time going through the drive through. And there was no one in line. MUCH better experience than Tuesday obviously. And then after lunch we did play catch. Indoors. I was worried because he didn't really look like he got the hang of using the mitt the first time we tried yesterday. And so I had him learn how to catch bare hand at first. And THEN he caught on. As in he caught everything. Well, most everything as evidenced by the gif I posted. Who knew he would catch left and throw right since he was a natural left hander. Anyway at least that took up a chunk of the afternoon. And by then I pronounced myself done for the work day anyway. Which meant I had officially started my long weekend LOL. Now all we had left to do was the pick-up tonight by Lisa. Should I wait for her to call? Or should I take Johnnie to Lisa's house give him a shower and put him to bed? When Lisa called it was already well past 8 PM. But she didn't sound overwhelmed. And so I let her pick him up. By this time it had started to rain really REALLY hard. Fortunately, I had the downstairs garage to point her to so no one got wet. I still hadn't finished my steps at this point and the new Fitbit meant it actually counted active minutes when my heart rate went above 110 bpm. And so I have to work harder it feels. And that's ok. I also hadn't really had dinner yet. I mean I gave Johnnie his chicken noodle penne. BUt I hadn't made anything for myself. Which meant I had to venture out in the rain to get some food. I needed to anyway. Who knows what's going to happen this Christmas weekend. I better have some food in the house just in case. So I went to the store, and got properly drenched. I found it odd that I have no less than THREE waterproof shoes and I still chose to go out with my torn up Tom's. OF COURSe they would get soaked. As did my paints as it started to rain so hard, it was going sideways. Even a short trip to Ralphs got me really really wet. I still went to Taco Bell to pick up food. For some reason I felt like eating junk tonight. That's ok. I should eat healthy the rest of the week right? LEt Christmas weekend begin...

What To Do In the Middle of the Week

Why would we have a 3 hour Leadership Summit on the back end of a short week during Christmas week? Answer? Prerogative of the higher-ups. The idea was ok, maybe it was just me looking at my schedule which was otherwise clear for today and wondering if this was a waste of time. To cut a 3 hour story short, I was so restless by the third hour I kept getting up and down and I started to realize my bank had stiffened up. Maybe it was part of a reaction to the Covid booster shot I took yesterday. But then again it HAS been more than 24 hours already and I didn't really feel all that sick yesterday. I felt something, I felt a bit off, but definitely not sick. But today, the stiff lower back was something that was impossible to ignore. I felt like the last part was just a recycle of stuff we were already doing. The conflict resolution stuff during the first part was useful I thought. My takeaway was that I needed to give my staff a sense of SAFE SPACE. All of the time. Mercifully, the talk or the meeting ended right before lunchtime at noon and I was able to get back to more pressing issues such as what to do for Johnnie's lunch. Yesterday was dramatic enough, today since we didn't go anywhere or really do anything, I was surprised that Johnnie would actually agree to eat spaghetti. And with my leftover meatloaf from the weekend, that took care of lunch for both of us. Eezy-peezy. After eating, I didn't really feel like working anymore. I knew I had more than a few things left on my To-Do for the week but somehow it seemed like they were resolving without a lot of effort or drama. I delegated what I could and the Kennedy status request got punted yet again from Dennis to Sheila both senior director level back up to Eloisa. And so I put my request in writing and crossed my fingers. It is up to them now and I'm ok with their decision either way. We'll be ok. 

And so what did I do for the afternoon? Parked Johnnie and i in front of movies that's what. He watched Space Jam Legacy. Again. <Funny how last year it was all about Frozen 2> I watched the NEW Matrix Resurrections. I can not oversimplify the significance of a new Matrix movie with both Keanu Reaves and the original Trinity in it after 20+ years. I mean after all the first Matrix movie was an iconic movie. One of the greatest sci-fi classics. What would this new one be like? My quick reaction? Just like any Star Wars movie, it wouldn't have taken much for me to like it. And I like the new plot twists and the plot explanations and everything. Yes I liked the movie. A couple of hours later, Johnnie had not only watched his movie, but he created a fortified city in the living room. That's what happens when you leave him alone for a couple of hours. I had this idea that i wanted to get him a baseball mitt for his Christmas present. I mean he could hit, but he has to learn how to catch as well. And so off we went to Big 5 later on and then since it was already close to 5 PM, we also got a pizza from Domino's a couple of blocks from there. And so this errant run was another eezy-peezy jaunt. Johnnie got his mitt and was actually excited about it. We got pizzas for dinner for the both of us and that was it for the day. I knew Johnnie wanted to learn how to use his mitt immediately and I did talk him into doing it tomorrow since it was already dark. He then proceeded to eat 3/4 of a full medium cheese pizza with half pepperoni. I mean the kid can eat now. He ate more pizza than I did! And then later on we did Christmas stuff. Recorded a video of us singing Feliz Navidad and posted it on FB. Immediately got 20 likes. Hey we're getting into the Christmas spirit right? It's all good. 

The Visit to QueensCare

One thing about having Johnnie home is that you're always trying to figure out how to keep him occupied for the entire day without parking him in front of visual media. And so today I decided to take him to the QueensCare Health Fair. They had a bunch of booths up including Mental Health assessment, including games from the YMCA folks, including Covid booster shots. I was very much interested in getting my own booster shot considering the current omicron surge going on right now, so much so even the RAMS game had been postponed to today because of players being in COVID protocol. The Lakers did not look like the Lakers last Sunday because so many people were out. And so Johnnie and I did our usual McDonald's breakfast and then headed to the new Vermont facility. There was a problem immediately. The freeway onramp was closed. I went to the next one and THAT was closed. The next one had such a long line because of the other 2 being closed. This was almost 10 AM already! I ended up having to take side streets all the way to La Brea before entering the freeway. And then when I exited Vermont, more traffic. Lots of roadwork happening everywhere it seemed like. It was like it rained hard last week and the city is reacting and doing some retro-fitting. And maybe, I could look at it like the Universe really doesn't want me to come down does it? But come down we did and really I wanted Johnnie to meet some of the folks I work with. He got to have a mental health wellness assessment, he got to play some basketball and even won a prize, which turned out to be a toy raygun I would hear the rest of the afternoon. And as for me, I finally did get my Pfizer booster shot. I was a little hesitant because I'm pretty sure I'm going to be feeling something tonight or tomorrow morning. Or maybe I'll just sleep it off like I did the 2nd Moderna shot. Anyway I thought we had a pretty good morning at the fair and then we headed home just in time for lunch.

And THAT is when doing all that driving took its toll. There was traffic on the drive home to be sure. But I didn't think it was that bad. I got off on Overland and headed to Jack In the Box at Pico to get Johnnie the chicken strips he didn't get yesterday. And what followed next was a lesson for me that I should listen to Johnnie. Particularly when he tells me he feels sick and wants to throw up. I didn't take it seriously. I still took him to line up inside Jack-in-the-box. He pointed to the bathroom and I continued to ignore him. Right up until he started throwing up right in his mask. I yelled in frustration. Not at Johnnie. But at myself. What the hell happened? We did too much driving was what happened. And he got car sick! And I spent the next 15 minutes cleaning him up and cleaning up his clothes as he totally threw up his breakfast right there in the grassy area in the parking lot at Jack-in-the-box. Oh well, at least he did it outside mostly. I still bought him chicken strips... and then I took him home to clean up. "i'm really sorry Dad," he said. Oh it is NOT your fault little one. It's mine. After cleaning him up I stroked his head and his tummy and made sure he was ok. And in a little while he recovered. At least to the point where he was taking his new toy raygun and blasting away. Look at the pic. All in all, I didn't really feel anything from the booster shot. At least not until tonight when I felt like going to sleep the same time I put Johnnie to bed around 8:45. In the meantime, I still tried to get some work done. Work to do with the Kennedy situation. I gotta convince upper management to let me keep him part time which is what he wants. Don't know if I'm going to get that. First I gotta talk to my boss, Dennis, which I did today, then Sheila the HR Director, which I'll do tomorrow. We'll see what happens. In the meantime, this became a normal routine Tuesday and it was like the throw-up thing didn't happen. We went to Panda Express to get our dinner, made chocolate chip cookies like we do on a Tuesday night. And with the thought that the week was already half over, I did feel a little weird but not sick. I'll be ok.

Monday Work and Negative Memories

I got up this morning and tried to focus on my desired outcomes for the week. It's a short week work-wise so I did have a list of things I wanted to get done. Needless to say I wanted to get through the list. But I also noticed some negative tugs, mainly from news of the outside world. Stock market tanked today because of some politics going on. Those are the kinds of things I really need to avoid. And then of course there is Lisa asking if she could drop off Johnnie at 8:30 AM this morning for me to watch him and Claire for the day. It's like a normal Monday for her I think and that includes getting on with whatever she's doing right after she drops Johnnie off at school. And then picks him up again at 5 PM. She followed her own phone call 20 minutes later calling the whole thing off. I guess her Pilates instructor cancelled on her and so she's back to dropping Johnnie off at the original time of 11:30. Still early and still good as far as I was concerned. All I needed to do was get the HRSA report done today. And timecards, both of which I should be finished by that time. All that meant was that I got to go out on my morning walk like I usually do. Nothing like feeling the warm sun on my face first thing in the morning. And with that I eased into 5000 steps before 10 AM. Still on track for 15,000 steps today. One thing though, I've noticed that my Fitbit has been running out of juice much earlier than it used to. Which is why I missed the number of steps and minutes spent yesterday at the golf course. It simply died right on my wrist. Like in a couple of hours of use. Tells me it's time to get a new one. Hey, it's been more than 4 years now anyway. Couple of clicks on Amazon and I should get a new one by tomorrow. By the time Lisa dropped Johnnie off, I actually was on track, not just with my steps, but also with my work although I wasn't done just yet. First I had to get Johnnie lunch. Which resulted in a mind-numbing waste of time at Jack-in-the-box Centinela. We had to bolt and get Johnnie a quesadilla at El Pollo Loco instead. And me my usual double chicken tostada salad. A pretty good lunch such as it were. Johnnie spent the afternoon working on LEGOs. it took him 4 hours but he did finish a snake, pic of which I am posting here. Actually very nice work I thought. By 4 PM I started to make parts of dinner for tonight. Lisa had asked if we could all have dinner at her house, which was a reasonable enough request considering she didn't and won't get to see Johnnie for the next few days. I made rice and penne pasta for Johnnie's chicken noodle soup. And then we went and got some shaved beef and broccollini to make for dinner. Eezy-peezy. Should have been an uneventful time. Except...

There are times when Lisa forgets that we are actually, in fact, divorced. And she forgets the reason why we are too. Like when she asked me to bring in the trash can sort of matter-of-factly like it was something I should be doing. Now I realize it was her tone that made me think that.  I made the food I did because we had eaten it before because you never know how finnicky Lisa is with what she eats. Tonight was one of those really bad times. And after eating a couple of servings, she started complaining that her stomach was feeling bad and she proceeds to burp really loud. <Isn't that good?> Bottom line was that whatever good feelings I had about making dinner just went right out the window. In fact, I regretted even fixing dinner at all. And then finally, we were talking about QueensCare's return-to-work plan for next month and I mentioned that if we forced people to come back to the office, we would lose some folks. Me included. That must have set off something with her. She surmised that I would probably just retire. And so she brought up that maybe I should think differently and think about saving something for college for Johnnie? Huh? What? What business is it of hers what the fuck I do with my money? That's one of the biggest reasons why we got divorced! Is she that clueless. I openly questioned why we had to help at all. I didn't get any help. Neither did Lisa. We made out just fine. I realize I brought that up because she already hit one of my buttons. And I wasn't backing down. What business is it of hers if I retire or not? Does she not realize there are lines divorced people don't cross if they want to keep the peace? I mean I stay as far away from her business and her office as much as possible because even offering an opinion never results in a good outcome. And then when we talked about the schedule for Christmas, it would seem she is taking Johnnie for the better part of a week until New Years Day. Great. Of course I look forward to not seeing Johnnie for the next week <sarcasm> Can this night get any more negative for me?? And so from that point I did the dishes, brought in the trash cans, but only to get us out of there as soon as possible. Need to get to my apartment and do some big time decompressing. All I need to say is THAT IS WHY LISA AND I ARE DIVORCED.  Move back in? Yeah that's funny. Hilarious. Hey, at least my new Fitbit came EARLY!! I get a new toy to set up tonight!!