Recovery

Lisa's episode yesterday, justified may it have been in her own mind because she was having a terrible week at work and  she was already ready to snap, made me do some time travelling to 2017. Bad idea. It only made me remember things that I thought I had already gotten over. Like how she was having a blow-up every other week it seemed. It turned out that that I was in the middle of a purging process that lasted months, probably longer than it should have. But even though thinking about those old negative memories were not pleasant, it also made me realize that I am where I am because of them. And even though I travelled there, I didn't need to stay. This morning, I tried to play things like we had discussed. But of course, there really was no way Lisa would remember the stuff we did discuss, because she doesn't. She just works on what she needs to do at that moment. I knew she had a medication drip scheduled at Cedars-Sinai and we had talked about me driving her after dropping Johnnie off at school. I even generated a day-pass for Johnnie. Then I get a text from Lisa... she has Elaine coming by to take care of Johnnie. My first thought was... why didn't she just reach out to me? Wouldn't that make better sense? I decided I was not going to let myself feel bad about this. And that I had no idea what is driving Lisa's decisions right now. She must be feeling bad about blowing last night no? Then again, did she ever all those previous times? She will find a way to turn it in her own mind that it is my fault somehow. That I can't do anything about. She did quickly add in her text that she was sorry for being "emotional" and that it was because of the procedure she's going through this morning. Ok. Right. All that meant to me was that I needed to do whatever emotional and mental clearing and cleansing I do in order to get back to balance. To become aware of whatever hurt and anger and other crap that comes up and simply let them pass. I went through flips and flops all day long really. Sometimes anger would come up. Whatever scar and scabs that have grown over the wounds these past years seemed to have been opened a little. And so just like any other scar, I have to put medicine on it again and let it heal. Again. And that's ok. At other times I felt some compassion towards Lisa. She must realize that she is alone and I'm sure seeing those pictures without her in them punctuated that. If I could do those over again so I could somehow get pictures printed I would. I mean I'm a tech superhero. I can do anything digitally. But I didn't. So she is off to her procedure this morning, Johnnie is being held off from school again and Elaine is watching him for most of the day. Ok then.  

And so I tried to bury myself in other things today just to keep my mind from bugging over not watching Johnnie. Or him not being in school. A part of me doubted that the Elaine thing was even true. A part of me thought Lisa held Johnnie back just so she could buy time to do her own pictures.  In the end does any of that really matter? I occupied my thoughts with other things. The stock market jumped today because of a speech by the head of the Fed. Made me look at my assets. Nice that I am hovering at $900K. I am an almost-millionaire. I can feel it.  And doing some calculations shows me doing at least $85K in income and that's after taxes. That means I already maintain my current lifestyle for the rest of my life! I must admit that sounds pretty damn good actually. The rest of the afternoon I actually focused on work. Did the EHR team meeting. Did the timecards of my guys. Even almost got in the middle of Shilpa and James trying to fix something. Why Shilpa has to ping me instead of James directly I don't know why. Why James makes himself so unavailable I don't know why either. I almost felt irritation towards both but more towards Shilpa. And I realize that is just residual negative energy and anger I'm harboring from my own situation.  I have to watch that. No need to take it out on other people too.  By the end of the day, they did manage to fix whatever was wrong with the dashboards and we're all good again. AND I got myself a fresh haircut from Supercuts too. I'll call it my birthday haircut. Yep, I have a birthday coming up don't I? It turned out to be a pretty warm day today... as if the summer is still trying to remind us it isn't quite ready to go just yet. It was actually nice out too. It doesn't feel like late summer. More like early summer. I got myself some shaved beef and did a beef and baby broccoli stir fry over rice for dinner. Something healthy. Pretty good too if I may say so myself. I earmarked this day to recover emotionally and mentally and I think I did just that actually. The difference between being able to do it without Lisa in the house and with a choice not to have to deal with her if I didn't want to. What's going to happen this weekend? Do I get to see Johnnie? Who knows. I prepared myself not to. And that's ok.